Winter advisories

So now we know the answer to the question everyone in America has no doubt been pondering: If Bill Belichick fought Bomb Cyclone, who would win?

Why, Belichick, of course!

Belichick, who threatened to punish any New England Patriot who dared to show up late for practice yesterday, even as New England was battered by a dangerous and precedent-wrecking winter weather event. An historically ferocious blizzard, it seems, was no excuse not to show up on time. And if you ran into stalled traffic, or missed your path in zero visibility and ran off the road, or encountered any of a hundred calamaties that always go unforeseen in a full-on blizzard ... well, you should have foreseen it anyway. Freezing to death's too good for you.

I'm sure all this was greeted with enthusiastic applause by the discipline-uber-alles crowd, who still pine for the days when Coach could physically lay hands on his players without getting in dutch with the namby-pamby higher-ups. Apparently there's a whole generation out there whose fondest memories involve having their facemasks grabbed so hard by Coach they couldn't turn their heads for a week. Damn, but those were the days!

Yet those days are done, and so what Belichick did can and should be seen in a different context. Which is, he literally put lives at risk for (as Allen Iverson famously termed it) practice. And, yes, that's important with the playoffs looming. Whether it's so important you threaten to punish people if they don't foresee the unforeseeable in a dangerous weather event? Another question entirely.

Not to mention an indication that your priorities are seriously out of whack.

At any rate, it's gotten the Blob to thinking what sort of cataclysm would convince even Belichick to place common sense over the sanctity of practice. And what the conversations would be like with players who opted for the former over the latter:

PATRIOT NO. 1: Sorry, I'm late, Coach. That 25-foot storm surge from our extremely rare Cat 5 hurricane was a really bad deal. My home is gone. I spent the night clinging to a tree in a raging flood, and then I had to swim three miles to dry land and wander another 10 miles barefoot over all the debris to get here. And I don't even swim.

BELICHICK (looking at his watch): You should have learned how. I'm fining you $5,000.

Or ...

PATRIOT NO. 2: Sorry I'm late, Coach. That raging wildfire burning everything between my house and the practice facility was a bitch. I had to knock out a smoke-eater, steal his gear and plunge two miles through the flames to get here. I'm lucky I'm still alive. 

BELICHICK (brushing falling ash from his hoodie as the fire moves ever closer): $5,000 fine for being 10 minutes late. And you'll have to pay for the gear that melted.

And finally ...

PATRIOT NO. 3: Sorry I'm late, Coach. That unprecedented volcanic eruption was the worst natural disaster in American history. Every living thing between Boston and Providence is gone. We're the only ones left, Coach.

BELICHICK: Well, then you can still drop and give me 50. We've got the playoffs to think about. Where's your head, son?