Another lousy Patriot Game

Well, isn't this just craptastic. It's January 2018 and we're no better off than we were in January 2017.

Which is to say, we've got our Super Bowl matchup, and once again it's a bird against the (Your Favorite Expletive Here) Patriots.

What's the Roman numeral for "Oh for God's sake, them again?!"?

Asking for a friend.

Actually, asking for a lot of friends, all of whom live outside of New England, all of whom would rather shove red-hot needles in their eyeballs than have to watch the most boring team in the National Football League in the Super Bowl again. But that's what we've got, America. Last year it was the Patriots against one kind of bird (the Falcons); this year's it's the Patriots against some other kind of bird (the Eagles).

Outcome to be determined, but, come on, we know how this is gonna go.

The Patriots are in the Super Bowl for the eighth time in the Belichick-Brady era, and they're not playing the Giants, so we know the script by now. Bill Belichick will spend the entire Super Bowl week scowling and releasing various non-statements from the Kremlin. Tom "Really, I Had An Owie" Brady will talk about what a great team the Eagles are and, gosh, this is such a wonderful opportunity, and then he'll clam up like a CIA operative when asked to reveal something vaguely interesting about himself.

The Eagles will talk a lot, because how often do the Eagles get to the Super Bowl? Then they'll go out and lose the way they're supposed to.

They'll do what Jacksonville did (and Atlanta last year): They'll give the Patriots trouble early, and then they'll realize who they're playing and go into their prevent offense. Tom "No Lie, There Were Stitches And Everything" Brady will reel them in, and  the Eagles will say "Ah, crap, I knew we couldn't beat 'em" and fold like laundry.

After which Belichick will smile that creepy smile he has, and Tom "Come On, Why Doesn't Anybody Believe Me" Brady will hoist the Lombardi Trophy, being careful not to re-injure his "injured" "right hand." Which of course has just thrown for a gazillion yards and a handful of sixes in the Patriots' win.

The media will slobber all over them again, calling Brady the GOAT (which he is, 'cause look what he did with that "injured" "right hand"), and Belichick the greatest coach of all time, better even than Lombardi and Landry and Chuck Noll and Don Shula. And by now you're all wondering what you can do, as a Real American, to avoid all of this.

Well. The Blob is nothing if not a full-service public service Blob.

And so here are a few suggestions for What To Do If You Don't Want To Watch The (Favorite Expletive Here) Patriots Again:

1. Two words: Movie night.

2. Replay the two Super Bowls the Patriots lost to the Giants. How did David Tyree catch that thing, anyway? And how did Eli Manning, of all people, beat them twice?

3. "Well, dear, there's always Netflix."

4. "Well, dear, there's always next year."

5. "OK, my bad. I forgot the Patriots will be in the Super Bowl next year, too. And every year after that for the foreseeable future."

6. Puppy Bowl! Puppy Bowl! Puppy Bowl!

7. Pop in the NFL Films documentary, "Through The Years With The Bud Bowl."  Remember the year the 40-ouncer was the star of the game? Good times, man. Gooood times.

8. Eat up. You bought all this food, you might as well chow down. Beer-steamed brats on the grill taste just as good watching "Victoria" on PBS. Really.

9. Puppy Bowl! Puppy Bowl! Puppy Bowl!

And last but not least ...

10. Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Because the Black Knight's arm was off, too..