Buildup time

And now, on to the Please Don't Hurt Me Bowl, aka the Pro Bowl, in which some of your favorite players represent the AFC and the NFC in a contest to see who can best avoid the fabled Nagging Groin Injury that might hamper future contract extensions.

The NFL says that's not going to happen, that the Pro Bowl is real football players playing real football. This is always one of the great comic lines of any sporting year, right up there with "We stand by Coach Slobberknocker despite his 3-49 record" and "I'm not going to watch the Super Bowl because I don't care about either team, especially the X%$#@ Patriots."

Which brings to this: The Pro Bowl means we're one week out from the Super Bowl, and that means it's time to start hyping what might be a thrilling game of American football, but  probably will be just another NFL game.

Notwithstanding that, plus the X%$#@ Patriots,  you'll watch. You're not fooling anybody.

You'll watch because it's an American institution, and therefore you are required to pay homage to it. Plus you like grilled meats, brownies, chili-cheese dip in a football-shaped bowl and beer, lots of beer. Nothing like the Super Bowl as an excuse to roll all of that out, even though your doctor told you to knock that (bleep) off, you damn fool, or your heart will seize up like an '82 Escort.

So ... yeah. You'll watch.

Oh, maybe you'll pay more attention to the commercials, or the halftime show, or barely know anything about football. This is because the Super Bowl isn't about football. It's about the food and the beer and the prop bets ("How often will Bill Belichick scowl? I say 512 times") and the chance some edge rusher will turn Tom Brady into macramé.

Which will give you the chance to have the sort of conversations that always pop up during the Super Bowl, on account of half the people watching barely know who's playing.

NON-FOOTBALL PERSON: Look what they did to that poor fellow! Is that legal?

FOOTBALL PERSON: Well, it used to be.

NFP: Why don't the fellows in the striped shirts put a stop to it?

FP: I'm sure they will, because it's Tom Brady, and you're not allowed to touch Tom Brady. It's like a league rule.

NFP: Look at that scowling man over there. Is he the Boston coach? Why does he look so unhappy all the time? Doesn't he ever smile?

FP: Some people say they saw him do it once, but that's just a rumor.

NFP: And who is the Philadelphia quarterback again?

FP: I think his name is Nick Foles, Folds, something like that. No one ever heard of him until about two months ago.

(Silence while Brady rises, shakes his head, reattaches his arms and legs and makes his way back to the huddle like nothing happened)

NFP: Oh, look, Braden is OK!

FP (shotgunning another beer): It's Brady. And of course he's OK. He's a (bleeping) cyborg.

NFP: Is that legal?