An open letter to England from its former colony, which after 245 years has concluded a measure of thanks is warranted for the way George III and the rest of the nitwits provoked America into independence:
Greetings, John Bull!
Oh, sorry. Didn't mean to shout.
Really insensitive given the hangover you're likely nursing this morning, after England's 2-1 extra-time victory over Denmark in the Euro Cup semis yesterday. This puts your lads in the Euro Cup final for the first time ever, which is a hell of deal for a nation that hasn't had a lot big footie moments in the last 55 years.
So drink up, British cousins. Even if we think drinking beer un-chilled the way y'all do is Weird City.
Not as Weird City as cricket, mind you. But pretty damn weird.
In any event, hail to Harry Kane and that marvelous Raheem Sterling guy, and all the rest of the lads. Only Italy now stands between them and the greatest English footie moment since 1966, when Bobby Charlton led England to the World Cup.
It's been a long mean stretch of self-indulgent angst since then, regrettably. Every four years England enters the World Cup bearing the hopes and dreams of a proud nation, and every four years it inevitably whizzes all over those hopes and dreams like a man who's drunk too much warmish beer. The lads even got beat by Iceland a few years back, if you can believe that.
Oh, wait. That was in the Euro Cup. The soul-crushing losses, they do get difficult to sort out after awhile.
But now?
Now they'll go into the Euro Cup final Sunday as the betting favorites, which of course might just be a setup for the most soul-crushing loss yet. But let's not think about that. That would be like thinking about Brexit or the royals or, I don't know, the way you stupidly chased off the most lucrative colony you ever had 245 years ago.
Not to bring up THAT unpleasantness again.
Hail Britannia!
Affectionately,
America.
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