DebateBall

Well, now. Sounds like I missed quite the Sober Presidential Debate last night.

Liz pied Mike, who pied Bernie, who pied, I don't know, all those damn kids on his lawn. Pete and Amy complained that they weren't getting enough pies to throw at Mike and Bernie. Joe just wondered where all the pies came from, and if he could get him a slice of that coconut cream.

Meanwhile, people who tuned in were all mad about the pie-throwing, because they were expecting Serious Discussion on Matters Of Great Importance To The Nation.

This only proves those people were never sportswriters.

Sportswriters immediately recognize presidential debates for what they are, which are staged spectacles much like the Super Bowl, the NCAA Tournament and America's Got Talent. In other words, they're competitions proscribed by a set of rules that are either adhered to or ignored, depending on whether or not the Patriots or Astros are involved.

As such, like the Super Bowl or March Madness or Little Ricky And His Magic Accordion, they are meant to generate ratings for whatever network is airing them. They are not meant to give voters any particular insight into the qualifications of the candidates. Like the sign says: For Entertainment Purposes Only.

That's why this sportswriter did not watch last night's debate. Or the debate before that. Or any of the debates that have been going on, it seems, since Grover Cleveland was in the White House.

Grover Cleveland! Don't get me started on THAT guy ...

Enough, Bern. Enough.

In any case, this is why the Blob is always amused by all the pearl-clutching that attends these deals. Yes, the candidates are all pie-ing one another. Yes, they're behaving like schoolchildren. No, they're not telling you why they should be president, and what their vision is for the country.

Want to know why?

Because that's not what these things are. They're not debates, really; they're DebateBall. And that's what they're designed to be. It's why the moderators don't really try to moderate anything. They just sit back and let 'em have at it.

So if you're tuning in for anything other than Entertainment Purposes Only, you're wasting your time. Know what the debates are? They're like Media Day the week of the Super Bowl: Not really an actual media event, but a sideshow in which players are put on display in individual booths and "journalists" with sock puppets on their hands ask idiotic questions via the sock puppets.

One Media Day, for instance, Gilbert Gottfried was going around asking players what a football was.

Another Media Day, some guy in tights, a cape and a mask showed up to promote his show on Nickelodeon.

Personally, I think that guy was onto something. I mean, who wouldn't want to see Joe Biden in tights, a cape and a mask, for instance? Or Liz or Amy or Pete?

Now that's entertainment, by God.