Hey, I've got $5,000, just layin' around. OK, I don't. But I bet you do.
And if you do ... well, here's the best deal EVER: Former major league slugger Jose Canseco, fresh from being unfairly passed over in his bid to be Our Only Available President's 257th chief of staff, is now offering a BIGFOOT and ALIEN EXCURSION for just $5,000!
Come on. Of course it's on the level!
In when the Huffington Post called the Morgan Management number interested parties were asked to call, here was the phone message: “Only 5 lucky individuals will get a golden ticket. Oompa loompas ain’t got nothing on Bigfoot. Travel in his custom RV ... You never know what’s gonna happen with Mr. Canseco.”
Well, I'd be on board if I had $5,000 to blow. I mean, who wouldn't?
Not only do you get to hang with Jose, there's a better-than-even chance you'll find Bigfoot. And that alien thing? Hey, Jose's got contacts. Not long ago, he claims, aliens gave him the secret to time travel.
So to sum up: Jose, Bigfoot, contact with some Vulcans or Klingons (Are they really as obnoxious as we've been led to believe?), time travel. I mean, think what you could do with the latter alone?
Me, I'd go back in time and put a bundle on Buster Douglas. Or the 1980 U.S. Olympic hockey team. Or North Carolina State in '83.
Then I'd track down Jose and tell him where to find Bigfoot.
"Trust me on this," I'll say. "Someday it'll make you rich."
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