And now this week's edition of The NFL In So Many Words, the Blob feature denounced by the Flat Earth Society as "phonier than the moon landing" and by anti-vaxxers as "a leading cause of autism, like the flu vaccine, peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches and those holiday Oreos with the red icing":
1. Peyton Manning is finis--
2. Oh. Wait.
3. Drew Brees is finis--
4. Oh. Wait.
5. The Dallas Cowboys would like to announce that, after Greg Hardy assaulting an assistant coach and Dez Bryant going off on reporters, they are installing a new position: Designated Guy Who Loses His Stuff And Behaves Like A 5-Year-Old.
6. Andrew Luck would like to announce his ribs are fine, he just screwed up and, dang it, set his alarm for the fourth quarter instead of the first quarter. "Second week in a row!" he wailed. "God, I'm such an idiot!"
7. Eli Manning would like to announce he's quitting football, on account of he threw five touchdown passes and still lost. "That's it, I'm outta here," he said. "Stupid defense."
8. The Bengals!
9. Won again!
10. No, really!