Thursday, April 9, 2015

The obligatory Tiger Woods post

Because, you know, Tiger is Golf and Golf is Tiger.

And so the radio yaks were all "What will Tiger do in the Masters this weekend?" yesterday, while mentioning the world's best player, Rory McIlroy, once, and no one else at all.  It's a continuing mystery to anyone who sees time as linear and fluid, and not an endless loop turning back on itself.

The Blob has said it once and it will say it until its voice gives out: Tiger is yesterday's news. He's a pushing-40 golfer trapped in a pushing-75 body. He's still got some game, but the day when he could be a consistent force on the PGA Tour is in the rearview and getting smaller every second.

And yet, he tees off today in the Masters.  And so the TVs and other assembled media will hang breathlessly, while ignoring 99 percent of the guys who actually have a chance to slip into something comfortable and green on Sunday evening.

But since the obsession with Tiger is not going away, here's what I think:.

I think Tiger plays well enough to make the cut and make it onto the leaderboard this weekend.

Or he unravels and starts throwing clubs and cursing like a merchant seaman, and is gone by Friday evening.

 I'm voting for "B", if only because if "A" happens, he'll be the Story and no one will ever remember what happened in the actual tournament. Bubba Watson could birdie six of the last seven holes, do the Dougie on the 18th green and then get punched in the face by all the guys on Tour who allegedly hate him, and all anyone will talk about is Tiger's amazing tie for 20th.

I'm also voting for "B" because the  theme yesterday was how Tiger was a changed man, how he actually would look you in the eye and engage you now, how, oh, look, he brought his kids to the par-3 tournament on Wednesday. What a human thing to do!

The even-handed journalist in me says, great, I hope that's true, and let's see how it goes from here.

Cynical Get Off My Lawn Guy sneers and says, "Yeah, we've heard all this before. Wait 'til he hits his first ball into Rae's Creek. He'll be testing the flight properties of his clubs and F-bombing the joint same as always. Once an asshat, always an asshat."

Anyway, it's on to the next four days -- the best in golf, if also the most saccharine for the way CBS fawns over Amen Corner, Magnolia Lane and the Cathedral of Pines as if they're holy relics and not, you know, a golf course.

God help us if Tiger actually wins and marches off to Butler Cabin with his kids in his arms. All of America will lapse into a sugar coma.

Man. Cynical Get Off My Lawn Guy just will not stay in his box today.

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