Saturday, April 25, 2015

Horse sense, Part One

So it's come to the Blob's attention that we're only a week away from the Kentucky Derby, which means it's high time I got cracking on my Derby prep. The one thing you never want to do when you write about the Derby is sound like a complete goober who doesn't know anything about horse racing, even if you're a complete goober who doesn't know anything about horse racing.

Besides, I have money riding on this. Two bucks doesn't just grow on trees, you know.

And so, for my edification as much as yours, here are a few early, early tips from a guy who used to get his Derby intel from a talking horse named Ted, until Ted wised off one too many times and ended up as a 12-pack of glue sticks:

1. The Derby favorite is a horse named American Pharaoh.

No, I don't know why. What do I look like, the Racing Form?

2. There are three contenders with war-like names: Bold Conquest, Firing Line and War Story.

This is important, because if you sound fierce, you run fierce. OK, I don't know if that's true at all. But it sounds like it could be true, so we'll go with it.

3. Firing Line is trained by an English guy who looks like he should be at the prom, and it's ridden by Gary Stevens, who starred in "Seabiscuit."

The English guy is named Simon Callaghan, which is pretty English as names go. Stevens wore a big cowboy hat in one scene in the movie. I don't know what significance any of that has. It's just sort of cool.

4.  Metaboss is a really pretty horse.

Also, it won the El Camino Real Derby. Also, it's kind of reddish-brown. Secretariat was kind of reddish-brown. So there you go.

5. Madefromlucky is a really pretty horse, too.

Also, it has "lucky" in its name. Also, Todd Pletcher is its trainer. I've heard of Todd Pletcher.

6. Danzig Moon.

Just because "Danzig Moon" is fun to say. Also, it's not a gray horse. Gray horses are frequently mutts. The last gray horse I saw in the Derby finished in June.

Place your bets accordingly.

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