The year in preview

OK, fine, then. The Blob, just this once, will succumb to hackneyed tradition.

It's a notorious Don't Tell Me I Have To Do That Just Because Everyone Else Does zone, but just this once, as Baby 2018 rides the ball down and crushes feeble old 2017 (sparing America another Mooching Entitlement Hog, as Our Only Available President and the rest of the granny starvers would no doubt see it), the Blob will relent. Well, sort of.

Unlike so many others, it will not look back at 2017. 2017 is so yesterday, or it will be in a matter of hours. No, the Blob chooses only to look forward, taking the famous advice of Satchel Paige. And it will not do so by predicting what's going to happen in 2018.

It's going to predict what won't happen.

And so ... onward:

In January, Oklahoma quarterback and Heisman Trophy winner Baker Mayfield does not show up for the postgame presser after throwing for 10 gazillion yards and 85 touchdowns in the national championship game. This runs his record in showing up for bowl media availability to 1-4.

He does, however, show up later with a note from Epstein's mom.*

(*Random "Welcome Back, Kotter" reference)

In February, Dale Earnhardt Jr. does not win the Daytona 500, on account of he's retired. Ditto Tony Stewart and Jeff Gordon. Ditto Danica Patrick, who is kinda-sorta retired but not for Daytona, and also not for the Indianapolis 500.

In other news, Baker Mayfield says he "didn't know I was invited" to the Daytona pre-race presser,  but he's real sorry he missed it, and Mrs. Epstein "promises it won't happen again."

In March, Hampton, Bucknell, Coastal Carolina and Siena do not make it to the Final Four. Neither do Middle Tennessee State, Sort-Of-In-The-Middle Tennessee Tech and Not-Quite-In-The-Middle-But-Very-Very-Close Tennessee A&M.

In other news, Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski creates a stir during a postgame regional presser by loudly demanding to know where the hell Baker Mayfield is, because "dammit he was supposed to be here for this."

In April, the Browns do not pick first in the NFL Draft, choosing instead to trade the top pick for a sixer of PBR and a really cool model of the Millennium Falcon. They explain that they did this because they wanted to trade down to take Baker Mayfield.

In other news, Mayfield fails to show up for his introductory Browns news conference, immediately going from disgraced-Mrs.-Epstein-note-bearer to a bonafide American hero.

"That boy's got some sense!" America beams.

In May, Danica Patrick does not continue her kinda-sorta retirement by winning the Indianapolis 500. She does, however, qualify and run well and sell a lot of tickets.

In other news, Baker Mayfield does not show up to sing "Back Home Again In Indiana," despite being America's hero. His explanation "Geez, I'm really sorry, I had it on my calendar and everything" is well received, however, on account of America simply assumes he's still hiding from the Browns.

In June, the Cavaliers and Warriors do not meet in the NBA Finals for the fourth straight year. This is because the NBA cancels the NBA Finals, saying "we've seen this enough" and "the season's dragged on way too long already."

In other news, the Browns receive a note from Epstein's mom which says "Sorry about minicamp. Baker's car broke down. But he's getting it fixed and he'll be there any day, promise."

In July, Aaron Judge and Giancarlo Stanton do not combine to hit 47 home runs. This is because they combine to hit 52. The Yankees, meanwhile, are already 25 games ahead in the AL East, prompting thousands of fans to quit watching Major League Baseball because "what's the point?"

In other news, Baker Mayfield does not send the Browns another note from Epstein's mom. He sends a decorative fruit basket with a note that says "Deeply sorry for all the forgetting."

In September, Nick Saban does not snarl and tell the media to get off his damn lawn when they bring up Alabama's preseason No. 1 ranking. This is because he's snarling and telling the media to get off his damn lawn because they've dared to ask him a bunch of other questions, too.

In other news, Baker Mayfield does not do anything, on account of this joke has pretty much run its course and the Blob is bored with it.

In October, the Yankees, who won the East by 35 games, do not fail to go on and win the World Series. Aaron Judge and Giancarlo Stanton combine for 32 home runs in a four-game sweep of the Dodgers, during which the Yankees outscore L.A. 57-2 and keep themselves interested by playing Candy Crush on their phones in the dugout.

Stanton puts up the high score.

In December, some quarterback or running back from the SEC, Big Ten, ACC, Big 12 or Pac 12 wins the Heisman Trophy. Shocking everyone, he does not fail to show up for the award presentation.

When asked about it later, he says, "I didn't want anyone to think I was that Baker Mayfield guy."

In other news, the Browns immediately cross him off their draft board.