The Ghost of Christmas Past*

*(Revised to reflect the New England Patriots signing of Steelers linebacker/icon-fallen-out-of-favor James Harrison, who apparently got too old for the Black and Gold to treat him right):

Ben Roethlisberger: "Who and what are you?"

Harrison: "I am the Ghost of Helmet-To-Helmet Hits Past.’  

Ben Roethlisberger: "Long past?"

 

Harrison (rolling eyes): "No, you idiot! I just left, for God's sake!

 

Roethlisberger: "You did?"

 

Harrison (fuming now): "Yes! Like, I don't know, yesterday! What, you didn't even notice I was gone?"

 

Roethlisberger: "Hey, man. I got enough to deal with without trying to keep track of every Tom, Dick and James that comes through here."

 

Harrison: "Every-- what the hell? How long were we teammates, ya big dope?"

 

Roethlisberger: "OK. You're right. For awhile, I guess. Anyway .. where did you go? And why are you here?"

 

Harrison: "I went to New England. I'm a Patriot now. And be careful, Patsy Boy. I am here for your reclamation. I'm here to show you all the times the Patriots have owned your black-and-gold ass."

 

Roethlisberger (bristling): "Yeah? Well, wait'll this year. We'll see."

 

Harrison: "Yes, we wi--  OK. So I won't. I keep forgetting, that's the Ghost of Helmet-To-Helmet Hit Present's deal. No, I'm here to show you what I said before, and also to show you all the times I lit up  unsuspecting quarterbacks when I was a Steeler. That's gonna be you now, Patsy Boy."

 

Roethlisberger (smirking): "Whatever, dude."

 

Harrison (rolling his eyes again): "Fine. Don't pay attention to my pictures from the past. Don't watch all those old clips of me blowing guys up in ways that made Roger Goodell want to throw his concussion protocol against the wall and start over again."

 

(Roethlisberger sighs and looks. Suddenly he sits bolt upright.)

 

Roethlisberger:  "Why, look! It's old Fezziwig, alive again!"

 

Harrison: "You know how he died, right?"

 

Roethlisberger (eyes widening); "You mean ..."

 

(Harrison grins wickedly. Locks his fingers together, cracks his knuckles.)

 

Harrison: "Thaaaat's right. Reclamate that, baby."