The first big weekend of college football starts tonight with a bunch of Colorados at Georgia Techs and Idahos at Utahs, and I can't wait, because I love me some college football. I also can't wait because I am a proud Ball State graduate, and my Cardinals open up Saturday.
So chirp-chirp, and go Cards. I feel confident they will cover themselves with gory Saturday afternoon.
Wait, did I say "gory"?
I meant "glory." Yeah, that's it, "glory."
I say this even though the Cards had a rough go of it last season, finishing 4-8 and 3-5 in the Mid-American Conference. And I say it even though Saturday afternoon they'll be in Columbus, Ohio, staked out on an anthill while the NO. 1 TEAM IN THE ENTIRE NATION picks clean their bones.
Yes, that's right, boys and girls. My Ball State Cardinals open the 2026 season against the No. 1 Ohio State Buckeyes, last seen going 12-2 and 9-0 in the Big Ten and reaching the College Football Playoff quarterfinals.
And do they have almost everyone back? Of course they have almost everyone back.
My Cardinals, meanwhile, have a new coach (Mike Uremovich), who inherits a team that wasn't nearly as good as Ohio State last year. Went 4-8 and 3-5 in the Mid-American Conference, the Cardinals did, which was good for 10th place. This was about what they deserved considering they lost their last three games by a combined score of 107-33.
Eastern Michigan beat 'em 24-9. Toledo mulched 'em 38-0. And Miami (O.) ball-peened 'em 45-24.
Not an optimum way to end the season when you're opening the next season at Ohio State.
"Why are they playing Ohio State, Mr. Blob?" you might be asking now. "Do they just hate their football players down there in Muncie? Did the athletic director get picked on by star linebacker Biff Biffington when he was a kid?"
Well ... no. Not to my knowledge, anyway.
No, the reason Ball State scheduled Ohio State is, surprise-surprise, money. Ohio State has lots of it, and they were willing to part with some to get the Cardinals to come get their heads beaten in. For that privilege, Ball State will receive just shy of $2 million.
It's what's called a guarantee game, and it's how athletic departments at the Ball States keep their oars in the water. And so, for the good of the overall athletic program, the football team occasionally gets thrown to the wolves -- or, in this case, to a tree-borne nut native to the Midwest and upper Great Plains.
"So do the Cardinals have a chance?" you're saying now.
Well, let's put it this way. Last year the Cardinals opened at Purdue. The Boilermakers won 31-0. They went on to finish 2-10 and dead last in the Big Ten.
So, yes. They have a chance. To survive.
"What's the spread?" you're saying.
Last I looked, Ohio State was favored by 50.
"Does this mean if Ball State only loses by, say, 45, it's a win?"
No. It's a win if they go home on the team bus and not the team gurney.
Altogether now: Chirp chir-GACK!
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