The word is Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce are getting hitched tomorrow night in Madison Square Garden, and, man, I am jacked. Celebrity weddings always make me cry.
And by "make me cry", I mean, "Make me cry 'Holy crap, how much did THAT cost??'"
And by "THAT", I mean the fanfare trumpeters dressed as 17th century lords, the solid gold coach pulled by four horses bred from Secretariat's DNA, and of course the miniature Lake Como, complete with swans.
Now, I don't know if Tay and Trav will have any of those in MSG. But since it's MSG, I do wonder if Trav will complete the nuptualities with a ceremonial dunk.
I also wonder some other things ...
* Will Tay sing at her own wedding?
(I'm guessing no. But if so, I suggest "We're Never Ever Ever Getting Back Together" as a final shot at all her previous boyfriends.)
* What will the cake look like?
(I'm guessing a painstakingly faithful recreation of Arrowhead Stadium as big as a Tournament of Roses parade float.)
* Will there be tiny figures of Tay in Spandex and Trav in his Chiefs jersey on top?
(Please. Like you even have to ask that?)
* Will Tay's dress have a train so long it ties up traffic out on 33rd Street?
(Nah. Manhattan traffic's bad enough as it is, and consequently it would just piss off a lot of New Yorkers. And you never want to piss off New Yorkers.)
* Will the groomsmen hang a "Just Married" sign on the back of the gold coach, and tie empty PBR cans to it?
(Oh, come on. PBR? Guinness talboys, maybe. Or special edition Cristal-In-A-Can.)
* Since it's MSG, will Spike Lee get to sit in his usual courtside seat, and will Caitlin Clark show up?
(No on both counts. But if Caitlin's there, I figure Alyssa Thomas or Chennedy Carter will run out and knock her down, just out of habit.)
And last but not least ...
* Will Patrick Mahomes be the ring boy? Will Jake from State Farm be a good neighbor? Will Jason Kelce wear pants?
(Answers: No ... of course ... maybe.)
(At least initially.)
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