(And, yes, you may be excused.)
("But I didn't even raise my hand yet!' you're saying.)
(No, but you were going to.)
Anyway ...
It's time again to check in on my cruddy Pittsburgh Pirates, who are not being Cruddy at all right now. In fact they're being completely ridiculous.
See, the Cruds have now won six baseball games in a row.
They're 15-7 so far in the first month of the season.
As of this morning, they have the second best record in the National League, and the third best in all of baseball.
Ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous.
And so here's what I want to know: What the hell are the baseball gods up to?
Because, remember, these are the Cruds we're talking about, which means the deities must be up to something. You can't just let the Cruds have one of the prettiest ballparks in the majors AND an actual baseball team unless you're about to send a few soul-crushing thunderbolts down from on high.
Or ...
Or maybe this isn't the baseball gods at all. Maybe there's another explanation.
Maybe Cruds owner Bob Nutting is secretly plotting to move them to Ketchikan or Waxahachie, and the pissed-off Cruds are trying to ruin his plans like in "Major League."
Maybe they're thinking if they're gonna win they'd better do it now before Nutting thinks "Jesus, if we're good these guys will want real money!", and trades them all to Oakland for a box of Fruit Loops and the carburetor off a '67 Buick Lasalle.
Maybe they're JUST BEING CRUEL, and are about to haul off and lose 18 of 20.
As a lifelong Cruds fan, I'm picking door No. 3.
I know, I know. Ye of little faith.
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