The retirement shuffle

 I think I know what the last six weeks have been like, for Tom Brady. I have an imagination that won't keep quiet, after all. And so, with Brady announcing he'd decided to keep playing after all, the Blob offers for your consideration "Tom Brady: Scenes From A Retirement" ...

(Morning. Sometime in February. Tom Brady sits in his man-cave, absently looking out the window)

TOM: "Gisele! When's lunch?"

GISELE: "You just ate breakfast!"

TOM: "I did?"

GISELE: "Yes! Like ten minutes ago!"

TOM: "Oh. Well, what do I do now?"

GISELE (exasperated): "I don't know, Tom! Go work out! Go to the health-food store for more hydrogenated kale and flaxseed extract! Play with the kids! Isn't that why you said you were retiring, to spend more time with your family?"

TOM: "Eh, I'm tired of playing with the kids. It's so BORING."

GISELE (now really exasperated): "What? You've only been retired for a DAY! How can you be tired of us already?"

TOM: "I don't know. It's just weird, not having football to look forward to. I'm 44 years old, and I've never done anything else. And I don't need to now, because look at all this money we have. We couldn't spent it in six lifetimes!"

GISELE: "So un-retire. Go play football again. You know you want to."

(A deep sigh from Tom)

TOM: "Gisele, I can't do that! I've been retired for, like, 12 seconds. I'll look like a total flake! Hell, I'll be Gronk -- or even worse, Brett Favre!"

GISELE: "Maybe. But does Brett Favre have seven rings? And it's not as if you'd be un-retiring to play for the Jets, for God's sake."

(A long pause as Brady thinks it over)

TOM: "Well ... that's true ..."

(A month later. Brady officially announces he'll be returning to the Buccaneers for his 23rd NFL season. Says he has "unfinished business.")

REPORTER: "What unfinished business would that be, Tom?"

TOM (rolling his eyes): "What do ya think? Lunch!"