Name Game time!

Exciting news from the NASH-unal FOOT-ball League's Washington Football Team, which has been generic since the team's foof owner, Daniel Snyder, was forced to drop its previous name, the Racist Slurs, because all his sponsors were dropping him.

The team will unveil its new nickname and logo on Groundhog's Day. That's only three or so weeks away!

So, the same day the groundhog sees his shadow and we have sixteen more years of nuclear winter is the same day the Football Team renames itself. This is huge here at the Blob, which loves nothing more than coming up with suitable nicknames (and mascots!) for athletic teams.

Unfortunately, some of the finalists have already been identified, and they're BORING. You've got all the predictable candidates, like Commanders and Admirals and Armada and Brigade and Sentinels and Defenders and, of course, Presidents.

Blah. And why are there so many military suggestions for a team in our nation's capital? I know we fetishize our military here in the US of A -- look how many of our tax dollars we throw down the bottomless pit of defense -- but I'd like to think Washington D.C. stands for more than just being able to blow people who annoy us off the face of the Earth. Another Blob for another time, perhaps.

In any event, the Blob, as you knew it would, has some alternatives it finds more suitable, even if none of them would ever be considered:

* The Fightin' Matlocks, Attorneys At Law.

Because the Washington Football Team is going to need some Matlockin' now that we know about all the slobbering misogynist creeps their front office has been harboring. Oh, yeah, and pimping out their cheerleaders, that was some outstanding work, too.

Suggested mascot: A giant Andy Griffith with a briefcase in one hand and a wad of hush money in the other.

* The Fightin' Bob the Builders.

Because apparently the Washington Football Team needs some, seeing how FedEx Field became MedEx Field after a railing collapsed Sunday and dumped a bunch of fans on top of some photographers and Eagles quarterback Jalen Hurts. Which means the Washington Football Team not only harbors sexual predators, its stadium is a dump, too.

Expect more litigation.

Suggested mascot: A giant Andy Griffith wearing a Bob the Builder hardhat.

* The Fightin' January Sixers.

In honor of the failed Yahoo Coup a year ago today. Few things would represent our nation's capital better than saluting the freedom-loving Americans who tried to violently disrupt the certification of a democratic election. 'Merica!

Suggested mascot: Wingnut representative Lauren Boebert with a giant papier mache head,  waving a couple of guns in the air.

Oh, wait. She already does that.

* The Fightin' Logos

Because another thing that represents our nation's capital are the corporate shills who buy the favor of our elected representatives, and the willingness of those representatives to be bought. Someone once said they should all wear sponsor patches like NASCAR drivers so we would know exactly in whose pockets they reside, so why not a football team named  the Logos?

Every week the team could wear the logo of a different special interest. You could have Oil and Gas Week and Gun Week and Silicon Valley Week and Pharma Week. You could even have Putting Small Local Businesses Out Of Business Week, sponsored by Wal-Mart and a passel of other big-box entities.

Suggested mascot: Remember the talking bill from "How A Bill Becomes Law"? That.

And last but not least ...

* The Redskins

Except instead of a Native American, the logo (not original with the Blob, mind you) would be a redskin potato. The mascot would be a giant papier mache potato named Tuber Tommy, who would engage other root vegetables in a race at halftime (Tommy would always win, of course, after various shenanigans). And instead of the tolling bell you hear at Colts games when the home team defense is on the field?

The PA system would break out "Monster Mash" instead.

Come on. You know you love it.