Balls, strikes and AI

 The Blob unfairly gets tarred as a Luddite sometimes, if only because it didn't give up its beloved flip phone until 2018 or so, and still mourns the passing of its faithful Tandy 200. But I'm not really as anti-technology as that suggests.

I actually think the problem is it's always behind the curve.

That's why I don't despise Alexa or Siri, I just pine for the day Alexa or Siri becomes self-aware and can give you some lip. Like you ask Alexa to play a certain song, and Alexa says, "No. That song is trash." Or you're following Siri's route instructions in your car, and you make a wrong turn, and Siri says "Not that way, you idiot!"

Life would be so much more interesting if that could happen. Also a lot funnier.

This is the long way around the barn to get to my point, which is why Major League Baseball should never employ robot umpires until they, too, become self-aware. A handful of minor leagues experimented with robot umps this summer, so I suppose that technology will be coming somewhere down the pike. 

Certainly the topic came up in some precincts last night, after first-base umpire Gabe Morales won a sterling NLDS for the Dodgers by signaling that the Giants' Wilmer Flores went down on a swinging for the last out. The Giants had the tying run on base when it happened, and then suddenly it was over.

Thing is, Flores checked his swing on the third strike. It was obvious from every camera angle, some more than others. Morales blew it -- but because it's a judgment call, it wasn't reviewable.

Perhaps it should be from now on. Or perhaps robot umps are the answer, because as every moviegoer knows, Terminators are less mortal than humans.

What I think about that is the technology isn't there yet.

What I think is it won't be there until you name the robot ump Bernie and program a personality into it. Too much of the game's essence will be lost if some Earl Weaver type charges out of the dugout and kicks dirt on Bernie, and Bernie just keeps repeating, "Ball four. Take your base" in an Ah-nold Terminator voice.

No. Not acceptable.

Artificial intelligence will not be ready for everyday application in baseball until the AI develops an Attitude. Until Wanna Be Earl Weaver kicks dirt on Bernie, and Bernie gets up in Wanna Be Earl's face and screams, "Did you just kick dirt on me? Did you? Do that again, you're goin' to the showers. Go on! Do it!"

And then, a couple moments later: "Did you just SPIT on me? Huh? That's it! You're gone! I don't wanna see your face the rest of the game!"

Of course, just for kicks, maybe Bernie could also add this: "Hasta la vista, baby."