A Jacksonville nightmare

(Three a.m. A comfortable home in a comfortable suburb in Jacksonville, Fla. A man wearing a brand-new Jacksonville Jaguars jersey -- No. 16, with "Lawrence" across the back -- moans and thrashes in his comfortable bed, kicking off the sheets, finally awakens with a scream on his lips) 

"NO!!!"

(His wife sits bolt upright, terrified)

"Honey? Honey? What's wrong?"

(The man lies back, shaking)

"I just had the most horrible dream."

"About today? The Jags?"

"No, no. I mean, yeah, that was bad. You get your asses handed to you by Tyrod Taylor? By a team even more dysfunctional than the Jags, thanks to the radioactive quarterback they don't dare play?

"No, this was worse. I dreamed USC fired their head coach two games into the season -- I know, that's nuts, but dreams are like that -- and suddenly Urban is kinda squirming around, sighing loudly, wondering how the hell he wound up coaching a team that loses by three scores to the goshdarn Houston Texans and that goshdarn radioactive Deshaun Watson, who they somehow haven't gotten rid of even though we're up to about 800 women now who are accusing him of pawing them ..."

"What's that got to do with USC? I don't follow."

"Well ... it's USC. One of the iconic college football programs in the history of the game. And, yeah, they did just fire Clay Helton two games into the season, God knows what they were thinking there, and in my dream Urban is squirming and sighing and looking at his phone, and then he's picking it up ..."

"Oh, come on. It's just a dream. Surely in real life USC isn't going to reach out to him, and surely he isn't going to reach out to them after just one game. That's just silly."

"Is it? I'm not sure. I mean, you know how these coaches are. You throw enough money at 'em, they'll have their bags packed before you can say 'seven years for $70 mill'. And it's USC. Lots of coin to throw around, and a program that, outside of Ohio State or Alabama or Michigan or Notre Dame, maybe, has more historical prestige than any other. Lore hangs off it like Spanish moss, for cryin' out loud."

(The man's wife, always the rational one in the family, merely smiles)

"Oh, hon, I don't think you're going to wake up anytime soon and see a Breaking News crawl on ESPN that says URBAN MEYER GOES BACK TO COLLEGE AS USC'S NEW COACH. It was just a dream."

(The man sighs. Pulls up the sheets. Lies back down)

"Yeah. You're right. Just a dream ..."

(He rolls over. Stares at the clock.  When the alarm goes off at 7 a.m., he's still staring at it)