The year in preview

And so, as we bid 2020 a fond farew-

No. Wrong. Try again.

And so, as we CRAM 2020 INTO A MERCURY CAPSULE WITH 10,000 FIRE ANTS and LAUNCH IT INTO A SLOWLY DECAYING ORBIT which will end with it being CONSUMED IN A FIERY RE-ENTRY ...

Much better.

At any rate, 2020 is finally gone, the crazy murdering old bastard. It's time to look ahead to 2021, which probably will suck just as hard, only in different, even more bizarrely sucky ways. But since no one wants to hear that on January 1, we'll move on to the Blob's annual New Year's Day tradition: Predicting all the stuff that won't happen in 2021.

In January, ClemBama Inc. does not fail to win the College Football Playoff title, beating BamaClem Inc. 112-110 in 14 overtimes and coaxing a rare smile from head coach Nick Dabo Saban-Swinney. A confused America does not fail to react by saying "Which one is he again?"

In other news, Our Only Available Impeached Outgoing President does not shut up already about how the American people robbed him of a second term.

In February, the Chicago Bears do not win the Super Bowl. Neither do the Indianapolis Colts, the New York Jets, the Jacksonville Jaguars or the Los Oakland Raiders. Head coach Jon Gruden (aka, The Greatest Living Barely .500 Coach In NFL History) does not shut up already about that, either.

In other news, Our Only Available Impeached Outgoing President does not fail to barricade himself in a West Wing broom closet with Josh Hawley, Rudy Giuliani and a box of moldy Triscuits, and does not fail to blubber incoherently as he does so.

In March, March Madness does not happen for the second year in a row. Sideways Upside-Down State Tech does not knock out Duke in a 14-over-3 upset, therefore, and Indiana does not lose in the second round again. Which means Indiana fans do not claim the firearchiemiller.com domain name, and do not accuse FireArchieMiller of deliberately sabotaging their hallowed program by teaching all his Indiana kids how to brick threes.

In other news, Our Only Available Impeached Outgoing President, now down to his last Triscuit, does not fail to send Hawley out for some Big Macs and fries, after which he does not fail to push Hawley out of the broom closet, slam the door and shout "You never liked me!"

In April, the Masters organizers do not fail to bar spectators (Excuse me: "patrons") again as a Bastard Plague precaution. They also do not tell anyone they secretly did it not because of the Plague, but because the patrons are a pain in the ass who never properly genuflect at the Cathedral of Pines, and are always doing appalling things like cheering and leaving pimento cheese sandwich wrappers everywhere and lugging around those (bleeping) little collapsible stools.

In other news, Our Only Available Impeached Outgoing President does not fail to attempt to send Rudy out for more Big Macs. To which Rudy, having seen what happened to Josh Hawley, does not fail to say "Ha! I ain't fallin' for that one, Mr. President!"

In May, Takuma Sato does not win the Indianapolis 500 again. Neither do Scott Dixon, Josef  Newgarden, Will Power, Alexander Rossi, any of those guys. This is because Roger Penske does not allow the race to be run, saying, "Meh. I like August better. More sweat."

 In other news, Our Only Available Impeached Outgoing President does not fail to rant and rave and weep tears of rage as the Secret Service bodily drags him out of the West Wing broom closet. Rudy Giuliani does not file another lawsuit to stop this, saying instead it was all for the best because "the President was starting to get pretty rank, to be honest."

In June, July and August, fans do not flock to the NBA Finals, the Stanley Cup Final, Major League Baseball or Wimbledon. This is because the NBA, NHL, MLB and tennis people forget to announce that fans would be permitted again in their arenas/ballparks/Centre Courts.

In other news, the fans do not fail to shrug and say "Meh. We like watching 'The Queen's Gambit' for the eleventy-hundredth time better anyway."

In September, college football does not start up again, or maybe it does, or maybe it does in some places, or maybe it only does at ClemBama Inc. and BamaClem Inc., being the only college programs that matter anymore.

In other news, college football fans do not fail to shrug and say "Meh. We like watching old Notre Dame Football Highlights with Lindsey Nelson better anyway."

In October, the NBA does not start up again, or does not continue last season, or does not do whatever the hell the NBA is doing these days. 

In other news, basketball fans do not fail to shrug and say "Meh. We like watching reruns of 'Matlock' on continual streaming better anyway."

And last not least ...

In December, we do not wish 2021 a fond farewell. 

We do not usher it politely out the door. We do not present it with a laurel and hardy handshake. We do not even cram it into a Mercury capsule with 10,000 fire ants and launch it into a slowly decaying orbit, because that would be cruel. 

No, sir. We only send it up with 1,000 fire ants.