Situational liquidity

A wide receiver won the Heisman Trophy last night, which was great because it shouldn't always be the Heisman Quarterback Trophy, and it had been 30 years since a wide receiver won the thing so it was more than high time.

So congratulations to DeVonta Smith of Alabama Football Inc., which had two Heisman finalists (quarterback Mac Jones was the other). Clemson Inc. quarterback Trevor Lawrence was also a finalist, and so was Florida Inc. quarterback Kyle Trask.

If you're sensing a theme here, take a seat in the company boardroom and grab a cruller. You've discovered that college football is just another Amazon or Microsoft, and only Power Fives get to trade on the big board.

College football at the Alabama-Clemson-Ohio State level is about money, surprise, surprise, and it always has been to some extent. This is because some of its fans are crazy people, and some of them are richer than any crazy person ought to be. So they periodically haul out wads of cash and buy out Coach Slobberknocker, because Coach only won 10 games last year and that just doesn't cut it at dear old Southern Northeast Tech State University -- or, as the rich alums call it, "the University."

So they kick Coach Slobberknocker  to the curb and money-whip the University into hiring Coach Ricky "Horse Collar"  Fleastomper from that hyphen school in the Midwest, who will surely win them multiple national titles and turn SNTSU into a Football Inc.

Three years later, they're buying him out to hire Coach Myron "Headslap" Dogkicker from Feelin' Poorly State.

And so it goes, and so it goes. And so we come to the University of Texas, which just hired Alabama Inc. offensive coordinator Steve Sarkisian as its third head coach in seven years. This is because the previous head coach, Tom Herman, only won 23 of the 36 games he coached and only got the Longhorns to some off-Broadway bowl games.

That wasn't good enough for the crazy rich alums at Texas, who are crazier and richer than most. You wear all that burnt orange and those serving-tray belt buckles with Texas Longhorns on 'em, you want more for your money. You want Darrell Royal and Dana X. Bible and national championships and a guaranteed butt-kicking every year of those sorry yokels over at A&M.

So they're likely the ones who'll bankroll the lion's share of Tom Herman's buyout, which will be $15.4 million for Herman himself and $24 million total for Herman and his staff. This on top of the $34 million Texas will be shelling out over five years to Sarkisian, who failed rather notoriously as a head coach at USC, and less notoriously at Washington. In seven years as a head coach, he's a remarkably beige 46-35.

No matter. UT will still pony up just shy of $60 mill to buy out Herman and bring in Sarkisian, because Crazy Mr. Belt Buckle is tired of going to root vegetable bowls.

None of this would be so heinous, or a more stark illustration of just how warped Football Inc.'s priorities have become, if Texas hadn't also laid off 35 athletic department employees and temporarily cut the pay of 300 others to cover losses tied to the Bastard Plague pandemic. I'm sure the folks who were pink-slipped are pleased as punch that their former employer somehow scraped together all that dough when it was pleading poverty mere months ago. Oh, you bet.

One wonders what would have happened if Crazy Mr. Belt Buckle had decided to kick in a few bucks to keep all those people gainfully employed. Now that would have been serving the University.

On the other hand, none of those folks who got shown the road were gonna help the Longhorns beat A&M. Gotta keep your eye on the ball, right?