Inevitable providence

You know what happens next, of course. Come on, now. This one's easy.

What happens is Cam Newton goes to New England with a one-year deal hung with incentives like ornaments on a Christmas tree, and becomes 2015 Cam again. His bum foot will come around and he'll play like 21 instead of 31 and for the love of God, will someone please make this stop?

Sure, sure. He hasn't played a full season since 2017 and the conventional wisdom is he's been mediocre at best since his 2015 MVP season, but that's not entirely true. In 2018 he threw for 3,395 yards and 24 touchdowns in 14 games and completed 67.9 percent of his passes, and ran for 488 more yards with four more TDs, averaging 7.2 yards per carry.

So if the foot comes around and he doesn't get hurt again, the Patriots could once again luck into a pretty sweet deal. And of course they will, because they're the Patriots. So Cam will probably throw for a gazillion yards and run for a gazillion more and score a pile of touchdowns and, I don't know, leap tall buildings in a single bound or something.

You thought the Patriots were done when Tom Brady walked out the door?

That rumbling you hear is Belichick chuckling.

Dammit.