Golf fight!

OK, OK. So not really.

Nobody threw down at the Northern Trust tournament yesterday, so if you read the headline above and thought you were going to see a couple of guys dropping the glove and the sponsor cap, pulling the golf shirts up over their heads and wailing away ... no. Golfers don't do hockey fights, or even baseball fights (although that would be fun). To paraphrase Dan Jenkins, somebody might hurt his hand and have to change his grip.

So, no fisticuffs, no Nike swooshes torn in anger from pastel shirts, no rolling around on the ground getting grass stains on their Sansabelts. No Happy Gilmore getting his ass kicked by Bob Barker.

Instead, here's what happened: Bryson "Slo-Mo" DeChambeau, who takes novel-length pauses between shots, apparently was especially laggardly at the Northern Trust this weekend. Before one shot, he actually walked the entire 70-yard distance from his ball to the cup and back, then thought about it some more, then finally stepped up and hit. Elapsed time: About three eternal minutes.

Apparently, someone shot video of this epic bit of Slo-Mo performance art. And of course it went viral. DeChambeau defended himself by saying he's really not all that slow, because he walks quickly to his ball after a shot, and Justin Thomas came out on Twitter and basically said that was a lot of cowflop, and Brooks Koepka, notorious hater of slow play, wondered when the PGA was going to do something about this ...

And, well. Fast forward to Sunday morning, when DeChambeau marched up to Koepka's caddie on the practice green and said if Koepka had something to say, he should say it to DeChambeau's face. And then Koepka showed up and marched over to DeChambeau to ask him what his deal was, bugging his caddy like that.

And, this being golf, that was that. No hockey throwdown. Not even a baseball fight, where a couple of guys swing wildly and then roll around on the ground like big cuddly teddy bears.

Nope, they just chatted a bit. Which is kind of boring. But then, it's golf.

It's a gentleman's game, a call-your-own-infractions game, an I-believe-you're-away game. Kind of like soccer, only without all the running and shameless flopping.

That's a shame. I mean, who wouldn't want to see, say, Bubba Watson and Patrick Reed -- a couple of notorious flaming jackasses -- go to Fist City? Or Dustin Johnson, the rare golfer who doesn't look like anyone you'd want to mess with? And who's married to Wayne Gretzky's daughter in the bargain?

Challenge D.J. and the Great One sends in Mark Messier to fix your wagon. Or Marty McSorley. You'd wind on the DL with Tiger while the docs tried to remove that Titleist from your nether regions.

But, hey. Under the Rules of Golf, you might get a free drop out of the deal.