Dictionary fail

I love the Scripps National Spelling Bee, if only because every year is another opportunity to see if the Scripps people will try to slip a few Klingon or Ferengi words into the mix, or maybe some conversational Vulcan. Just to trip up all those young brainiacs, you know.

I mean, look at some of the words the eight brainiac finalists had to spell in the last round: "Auslaut" and "auguillette" and "pendelogue' and "cernuous." Also "palama."

You can't tell this Blob some of those aren't straight-out made up. Kind of like "simuldextratrumpastretcherus," which the Blob just invented and which means "the ability to lie out of both sides of one's mouth at the same time. See; Our Only Available President."

Anyway, hard as Scripps tries ("Dammit! Anyone know any good Andorean words?"), the brainiacs just kept steppin' up and knockin' 'em down. To the point where the spelling bee folks finally threw up their hands the other night and crowned all eight finalists as co-champions.

The little goobers simply weren't going to misspell anything, even if it went on until they were all eligible for Social Security. So all eight got the scholarship dough and a trophy.

"But that's ridiculous, Mr. Blob!" you're saying now. "It's the ultimate 'Everybody Gets An Orange Slice' abomination!"

Well, no. It's not. Actually only eight of them got orange slices. And those eight spelled their way through a whole pile of bougainvilleas and pendelogues to get to that point. They basically defeated the dictionary.

Admittedly, this goes against the grain of every red-blooded American instinct, which dictates there must be one winner and a bunch of losers crying their eyes out and feeling like the failures they are. And isn't that what made America great?

I mean, sure, there was that one time at the U.S. Grand Prix at Indy when Michael Schumacher slowed way down and let his teammate, Rubens Barrichello, cross the finish line side-by-side with him. But that's Formula One, which has always had some strange ideas about competition. And they still named Barrichello the winner, so the analogy isn't exact.

Outside of that, you'd never see baseball get to the division series and then say "Screw it! All these guys are worthy champions. Why make seven of 'em feel bad?" Or let eight teams skate around the ice holding up the Stanley Cup. Or hear Adam Silver say "No one wants to see the Warriors win again, so we'll just stop the playoffs right here and let the poor Rockets finally declare victory. Also the Nuggets, the Trail Blazers, the Bucks, the Raptors, the Celtics and the 76ers."

On the other hand ...

On the other hand, if you can successfully spell "auguillette," you're a champion in anyone's book.

Also, you, you, you, you, you, you and you.