Cruds alert!

 And now to check in with the Kings of Krud, the Avatars of Awfulness, the Tsars of Tsippity-Doo-Doo ... 

I'm sorry, what?

No, we're not talking about the Chicago What Sox, who remain terrible at baseball but not as epically terrible as they were in, say, 2024.

And, no, we're not talking about the Connecticut Sun of the WNBA, who are 5-26 and 21 1/2 games behind first-place Minnesota, which is pretty remarkable when you consider no one in the league has played more than 32 games.

So who are we talking about?

Why, the enfeebled Colorado Rockheads, of course!

Who to date are 58 games under .500 (30-88), and in the midst of another patent-pending eight-game losing streak. They are the Sultans of Suckage, these Rockheads. The High Priests of Putridity. If the baseball season were the Oregon Trail, the Rockheads' bones would already be bleaching in the sun, a warning to all those foolish enough to attempt a major-league season with beer-league talent.

Why, if baseball were Premier League soccer, they'd have already been relegated in favor of, say, the Hagerstown (Md.) Flying Boxcars.* Or maybe the Gastonia (N.C.) Ghost Peppers.*

(*Actual teams in the actual Atlantic League of Professional Baseball, an actual independent minor league)

Just how hopeless are our Rockheads?

Well, besides being 58 games under .500, they're also 37 1/2 games out of first in the National League West. Heck, they're 26 1/2 games out of next to last. And they're 17 games behind the second-worst team in the league, the not-as-Cruddy-but-still-Cruddy Washington Nationals.

Cruddiest team in the NL by 17 games! Goodness gracious, Rob Manfred, put 'em out of their misery already.

Imagined letter from the office of the commissioner:

To: The Colorado Rockheads, er, Rockies

From: Rob Manfred

Dear Rockheads, er, Rockies

OK, O-KAY. You've made your point. You can quit now.

Go play golf. Go play pinochle. Go play the Daily Double. Just don't do it here.

Oh, yeah: And enjoy those trips to Beloit and Cedar Rapids next summer after I relegate your asses.

I can do that, you know. I'm the Commish. I can do anything I want, even put an MLB team in Vegas.

Later, losers.

Right? 

There is some solace, though, with the dog days of August baseball upon us. There's still an outside chance the Rockheads could avoid breaking the What Sox's year-old record for modern-day futility. All they have to do is go 12-32 the rest of the way, and they'll finish with 42 wins, one more than the Sox managed in their 41-121 horror show in 2024.

"As if!" you're saying now.

Oh ye of little faith.