And now this week's edition of The NFL In So Many Words, the alternative-reality Blob feature of which critics have said "Alternatively, I'd rather read 'What's New This Month in Paper Products'," and also "How 'bout an alternative reality where you fall in a black hole that carries you to the far corners of the Klingon Empire?":
1. The Colts and Jaguars are 4-1. The Chiefs are 2-3 after blowing Monday night to the Jags. The Ravens have the exact same record as the Browns (1-4).
2. Also, Daniel Jones is third in the league in passing, leads all starters in yards per attempt, and has been sacked an NFL-low four times.
3. "What is this, some alternative reality?" (The Chiefs and Ravens)
4. "Daniel who?" (Patrick Mahomes, Lamar Jackson)
5. "Hey, look, in this reality, I'm SECOND in the league in passing. Suck on that, losers!" (Dak Prescott)
6. In other alternative reality, the previously winless Saints excommunicated the Giants and their shiny new quarterback Jaxson Dart, 26-14; the Patriots flag-waved the previously undefeated Bills,23-20 in Buffalo; the Colts frisky-ed the Raiders to death 40-6; and the Broncos came from two touchdowns back to throw the previously unbeaten Eagles 21-17 in Philadelphia.
7. "Jaxson who?" (The Saints)
8. "It's not Drake WHO, it's Drake MAYE, bitches, and I am comin' for your ass!" (Patriots quarterback Drake Maye)
9. "Oh, yeah, THAT Daniel Jones." (Raiders coach Pete Carroll)
10. "Imma throw this bleepity-bleep cup of bleepity-bleep beer at your bleepity-bleep bleepin' alternative reality. The bleep is a Bo Nix, anyway?" (Eagles fan, probably drunk)
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