And now the long-dreaded, er, awaited return of The NFL In So Many Words, the dreaded, er, extolled Blob feature of which critics have said "Aieee!", and also "God hates us.":
1. "God hates us." (Bears fans, after Don Majkowski or Jerry Tagge or some other random Packers quarterback -- Jordan Love was his name this time -- pounded the goo out of the Bears like usual, 38-20.)
2. "God hates us worse." (Jets fans, after Aaron Rodgers went down with a possible torn achilles FOUR PLAYS INTO THE SEASON, absolutely the most Jets thing ever)
3. "OK, so maybe not." (Also Jets fans, after Zach Wilson -- Zach Wilson! -- pulls the Jets out of a 10-point hole to beat the Bills in overtime)
4. "Think God's mad at YOU? We got ball-peened by the Browns!" (The Bengals, after Joe Burrow laid a big fat ostrich egg in the Battle of Ohio in a 24-3 loss)
5. "Finally! God hates someone worse than us!" (Lions fans)
6. "Hey! What about us? Didja see what God did to US?" (Giants fans, after sitting in the rain watching the Cowboys remove all their team's vital organs in a 40-0 shutout in the Meadowlands)
7. "God didn't do that. We did. OK, so maybe God's executive assistant Tom Landry helped a little, but still." (The Cowboys)
8. "All we know is, God hates someone else for once, and it's FREAKING AWESOME!" (Lions fans)
9. In other news, God's favorite quarterback, the Dolphins' Tua Tagovailoa, carved up the Chargers with the help of God's favorite wide receiver, Tyreek Hill, who caught 11 of Tua's throws for 215 yards and two scores. Also, God's other favorite wide receiver, the Jaguars' Calvin Ridley, caught eight balls for 101 yards and a score in his first game in almost two years)
10. "This is all nonsense. Everyone knows I'm a Coco Gauff fan." (God)
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