The opening ceremonies for the Winter Olympics happen today in Beijing, or already have happened, or won't officially happen until we see them here in the United States tonight. Time is such a confusing concept.
In any event, the Games are here, even if spectators mostly aren't allowed because of the Bastard Plague, and even though the host nation's favorite hobbies involve genocide and messing with other nations via their phones and other devices. But that's not why we're here today.
We're here today because the Blob, combining its passion for the Winter Games with its complete ignorance of the particulars, is here to make some predictions about how the competition will go. And so without further ado (or perhaps just "do," period), here is the Blob's Extremely Vague And Ill-Informed Olympics Forecast:
* Let's begin with the glamour events, shall we?
In women's figure skating, some Russian will win gold. This is because a Russian always wins the gold in this event, especially if East German judges are involved. The only time a Russian doesn't win is when Katarina Witt or Dorothy Hamill does.
Well, Katarina Witt is 56 years old now, and I don't know who Dorothy Hamill is this year on account of I never watch women's figure skating. So there you go.
On to the men's downhill!
In which a guy from one those umlaut countries will win the gold, because the Umlauts are really good at falling with style, which is pretty much what the downhill is. Umlauts will also take the silver and the bronze.
The Americans, on the other hand, will all just fall. And at least one guy -- a Russian, maybe, to make up for the figure skating -- will fall, crash into the snow fence and break his leg in three places.
* In Nordic skiing (or as Dan Jenkins once described it, "How a Swede goes to the Seven-Eleven"), there will be more Umlauts. The Russians on the other hand, will win the biathlon, which is Nordic skiing combined with shooting rifles -- a skill the Russians have been perfecting lately in preparation for invading Ukraine.
* In the boblsed, there'll be multiple Austrian, Swiss and German sightings. The Americans will scrounge up another former NFL running back or track-and-field standout to get the sled off to a flying start.
Then they'll crash.
* Did someone say luge and skeleton? Of course we said luge and skeleton!
No Umlauts here, by God. Luge and skeleton each will be won by an American, most likely one who's been declared clinically insane by medical professionals. We're good at producing clinically insane people these days. I mean, just look around.
* In speedskating ... oh, who cares. Eric Heiden is 63 now, so it'll just be the usual bunch of Hans Brinkers. Borrring.
Short-track speedskating, however, will involve a lot of skaters taking out rival skaters, and other NASCAR memes. Dale Earnhardt Jr. will win.
* Ski-jumping?
More Umlauts. Also Eddie the Eagle and that Agony of Defeat guy from ABC's Wide World of Sports.
Hockey?
The Americans and Canadians will battle it out on the women's side for the 3,476th time. Mike Eruzione will again not play for the men.
Curling?
The world's most mesmerizing sport for no reason whatsoever will be won by the Canadians and Americans, but that's not why all the chauvinist-pig men will tune in. The chauvinist-pig men will tune in hoping Madeleine Dupont and the Danish women's team make another run.
Whatever happens, the traditional beer will be quaffed by the winners.
The Umlauts are buying.
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