Somewhere today, a mean and petty corner of the Blob imagines, a commander of some description woke up, saw the news about the Washington Football Team, and flew to Twitter to complain that the Washingtons' new nickname demeaned him personally and professionally.
"Dammit!" owner Daniel Snyder would respond. "Now we gotta do this over again!"
Alas, that probably won't happen. The Washington Commanders -- unveiled today as the Washington Football Team's new nickname -- seems suitably inoffensive. Plus, Douglas MacArthur is dead, so it's not like anyone can hear any crabbing from the famously imperious general.
"A FOOTBALL TEAM??" MacArthur ranted from the Great Beyond, while Ike and Omar and Georgie Patton nodded in assent. "What the HELL??"
"Ah, calm down," replied Ulys Grant. "At least people aren't constantly talking about what a drunk you were. Man, that s*** gets old."
Yeah, um ... no. Commanders is safe. Commanders is slur-free. It's accurate -- I mean, there's a lot of Commanders in Washington, including some who only think they are -- and its logo, a simple burgundy "W", isn't going to piss anyone off, unless it's fans who are passionate about other letters.
Boring? Sure. Generic? Extremely. Impervious to criticism, except from people who think it's boring and generic?
Absolutely. But at least it doesn't exude the stink of racism -- which is kind of important for a franchise founded by a notorious racist (George Preston Marshall).
Besides, think of the mascot possibilities!
Commander Cody, General Jeremiah. Major Tom, who could burst onto the field to "Ground control to Major Tom," wearing epaulets and a chestful of medals.
And somewhere in the stands, someone will say; "Hey! He looks like Mussolini! The hell is that, Snyder?"
Sigh.
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