The Useless Presents*

 (*A reference from "A Child's Christmas In Wales" by Dylan Thomas, one of the Blob's favorite Christmas tales for its lyricism and its wonder)

Now, where were we?

Oh, yes. Useless Presents.

This being the weekend of toting up what Santa done brung us, the Blob has decided to list a few Sportsball World gifts the giftees were definitely not happy  to see. They all play in the Coal In The Stocking Conference, some in the Socks Again? Division and some in the Well, It Said On The Box "Batteries Included" Division.

Let's begin ...

1. The 1-6 Kentucky Wildcats 

Just what every soul who bleeds blue wanted to see under the tree: A horribly dysfunctional UK team that couldn't even beat Richmond, for pity's sake. The Kats' only win so far was against a crummy Morehead State team in the first game of the season. Go Blue!

2. The 5-4 Indiana Hoosiers

Remember back when Indiana was thumping Providence by 21? Didn't that feel good, Hoosier Nation? Didn't it look like the Hoo-Hoo-Hoosiers had an abundance of talent, depth, exciting young players and the ability not to brick it up from the 3-point line?

Well, then you opened that big shiny present with the huge bow, and it was just Indiana again.

Lost to Texas by 22 the next time out. Beat Stanford. Lost to Florida State, Beat Butler. Lost at home to Northwestern. Lost by nine to Illinois. Still can't shoot threes, having made more than 40 percent just once all season.

In other words: Same-old, same-old.

3. Cam Newton

Imagine the disappointment across New England when little Jah-nny opened up his new Patriots quarterback and discovered it was the same old Cam Newton Action Figure.

"Where's the Kung-Fu Grip?" disappointed little Jah-nny complained. "Where's the Return To Super Bowl Cam option? And WHY DID TOM BRADY HAVE TO LEAVE??"

4.  Tom Brady

Who, six days after Cam and the Patriots officially were eliminated from the playoffs, emerged on TV sets all over New England on the day after Christmas to go 22-of-27 for 348 yards and four touchdowns against the poor Lions, as the 10-4 Buccaneers locked up a playoff spot.

"Dammit!" (New Englanders everywhere)

And last but not least ...

5. My Cruddy Pittsburgh Pirates

Who, when I tore open the wrapping, did NOT include Josh Bell, their best player. And why?

Because, as usual, the miserly Scrooge-like skinflints who own the Pirates did what they always do, which is trade their best player just when it comes time to pay him real money. This time they sent Bell to Washington for the usual couple of anonymous young pitchers.

Of course, should either Wil Crowe or Eddy Yean, the young pitchers, amount to anything, my cruddy Pirates will immediately trade  them for a couple more anonymous young pitchers.

Which means my cruddy Pirates are not really a major-league franchise at all, but a minor-league team that does what minor-league teams do: Develop talent and send it up the food chain.

Merry Christmas to me.