That medal deal, explained

And now, briefly, a few explanations for why Our Only Available President awarded Tiger Woods the  Presidential Medal of Freedom yesterday:

1. Because it's almost an election year and he needs all the photo ops with black guys he can get.

2. Because Tiger Woods did something really cool at the Masters, and OOAP, a noted celebrity whore, wanted to bask in the reflected glory.

3. Because Tiger Woods did something really cool at the Masters after recovering from several serious injuries, something no other elite athlete has ever done in the entire recorded history of time.

4. Because OOAP and Tiger have played golf together before, which means (given OOAP's rep on the golf course) Tiger has no doubt discreetly looked the other way while OOAP kicked his ball out of the rough, or "found" it on dry land after hitting it in the water, or doctored the scorecard so it looked like he and Tiger shot identical 68s.

5. Because he and Tiger are business partners in the Trump Foundation and, when Tiger won the Masters, OOAP saw a chance to cash in.

"Gee, Mr. Blob," you're saying now. "That last one seems awfully cynical. It's almost like you're saying OOAP did this mostly out of self-interest."

Um, well ... look who we're talkin' about here.

"Yeah, but haven't tons of sporting figures been honored by various presidents with the Presidential Medal of Freedom?" you're saying.

Well, yes. In fact, three golfers in the last 20 years have been awarded the Medal of Freedom: Arnold Palmer, Jack Nicklaus and Charlie Sifford.

But in all those cases, and many others, the Medal was bestowed as a de facto lifetime achievement award, or because an athlete had some social significance. Sifford, for instance, was honored by Barack Obama as the "Jackie Robinson of golf." Rarely has an active athlete been so honored.

So basically, what we've got here is not a lifetime achievement award but an award to a business partner of the president's who did something really cool at the Masters ... and who is really, really good at golf ... and who was a serial philanderer when he was married, and not a particularly nice person by plenty of accounts.

Hmmm.

No wonder he and OOAP get along so well.