Sunday, January 7, 2018

Go figure

Or, you know, not.

Door No. 2 would be the one to choose these days, as the Indiana Hoosiers slog through their first season under Archie Miller. Hardly ever does a team not rise and fall in exciting ways during the first year of a new regime, but Miller Era Year One has been particularly erratic, with Indiana losing big at home to its smaller state fry (Indiana State and IPFW), while giving No, 1 Duke a decent run in the Hall.

And so, on to this week.

In which the Hoosiers went up to Wisconsin and looked like a bunch of goofs, particularly in the second half, in losing to a Badgers team that isn't exactly the Frank Kaminski Badgers. A couple of days later, unaccountably, they won at Minnesota, a notoriously difficult place from which to wring Ws.

That one was especially puzzling, given that Minny was 13-3 coming in and Indiana was without the services of its big man, DeRon Davis, and one of its prime shooters, Collin Hartman. That offset the fact the Gophers were playing shorthanded as well, which meant that any reasonable individual should have been banking on another Indiana loss.

Instead, the Hoosiers up and won. Which will no doubt get the optimists aroused ("Look, they're finally getting it! Coach Miller does know what he's doing!"), at least until the Hoosiers play like goofs again and lose to someone the faithful think they have no business losing to.

That this will happen is a virtual certainty. Likewise that this will not be a season to remember. There are simply too many bad habits still to be erased with this bunch, and bad habits tend to be notoriously stubborn. And so, patience, Hoosier Nation and attendant observers.

You want to judge what sort of legacy Miller's going to weave in Bloomington, you're gonna have to wait until next winter. This winter will be what it is.

Which is, Hoosiers win!

And also, Hoosiers lose!

Saturday, January 6, 2018

The rule of naw

And so the About-To-Ditch-Oakland Raiders are about to do what everyone not living on the outer rings of Saturn already knows.

They're going to hire Jon Gruden as their head coach.

What that means is no longer will we have to listen to his name popping up in connection with every coaching vacancy from the Raiders down to Millard Fillmore East Junior High in Fugeddaboutit, N.J. He's got another gig, nine years after his last gig. Whether or not he's been away too long (even for Gruden, who's apparently the greatest coach who ever lived judging from how often his name comes up) remains to be seen.

The Raiders aren't waiting to see. They're reportedly handing him the keys to the franchise for the next decade, which is a light year in NFL time. And they planned on doing it from the jump, becoming the latest franchise to openly flout the league's Rooney Rule.

For those not familiar, the Rooney Rule stipulates any team with a head coaching vacancy must interview at least one minority candidate. This was the NFL's way of spackling over the embarrassing fact there were darn few individuals of color in its coaching and front office ranks. Forcing teams to at least listen to a few minority pitches, the reasoning went, would get them heard, and perhaps eventually compel teams to venture outside the same well-trodden paths when it came time to hire a coach.

The problem is, the NFL forgot to install teeth in the rule. Or rather, it installed teeth, but it almost never uses them -- even in cases, like the Raiders, where flaunting the Rooney Rule has been especially egregious. This half-hearted enforcement of its own edict means teams now regularly make a joke of the rule, and  has effectively added insult to injury.

After all, what says "we don't care about this problem" more loudly than having a rule about it no one -- even the rulemaker -- takes seriously?

At any rate, here are the Raiders, the latest offenders. They were already well down the road with Gruden when they reportedly brought in their tight ends coach, Bobby Johnson, and one other minority candidate. That enabled them to comply with the letter of the Rooney Rule, while trampling all over it in spirit.

I'm trying to imagine what it must have been like for the two minority candidates, sitting there interviewing for a job both knew had already been filled. I'm trying to imagine how demeaning it must have been to both men, and how not being interviewed at all could possibly have been more demeaning.

I'm a 62-year-old white guy, so what do I know. But I think I'd have felt less disrespected if a team didn't even bother interviewing me than if it brought me in just to satisfy some arbitrary "rule." The gross condescension implicit in the latter would be far more hard to take.

Again, what do I know. What I do know is this: Included in all the reports of the Raiders signing Gruden are variations of one telling line.

Which is that the NFL has determined the Raiders satisfied the requirements of the Rooney Rule.

Really? And what would those requirements be, at this point?

Friday, January 5, 2018

Winter advisories

So now we know the answer to the question everyone in America has no doubt been pondering: If Bill Belichick fought Bomb Cyclone, who would win?

Why, Belichick, of course!

Belichick, who threatened to punish any New England Patriot who dared to show up late for practice yesterday, even as New England was battered by a dangerous and precedent-wrecking winter weather event. An historically ferocious blizzard, it seems, was no excuse not to show up on time. And if you ran into stalled traffic, or missed your path in zero visibility and ran off the road, or encountered any of a hundred calamaties that always go unforeseen in a full-on blizzard ... well, you should have foreseen it anyway. Freezing to death's too good for you.

I'm sure all this was greeted with enthusiastic applause by the discipline-uber-alles crowd, who still pine for the days when Coach could physically lay hands on his players without getting in dutch with the namby-pamby higher-ups. Apparently there's a whole generation out there whose fondest memories involve having their facemasks grabbed so hard by Coach they couldn't turn their heads for a week. Damn, but those were the days!

Yet those days are done, and so what Belichick did can and should be seen in a different context. Which is, he literally put lives at risk for (as Allen Iverson famously termed it) practice. And, yes, that's important with the playoffs looming. Whether it's so important you threaten to punish people if they don't foresee the unforeseeable in a dangerous weather event? Another question entirely.

Not to mention an indication that your priorities are seriously out of whack.

At any rate, it's gotten the Blob to thinking what sort of cataclysm would convince even Belichick to place common sense over the sanctity of practice. And what the conversations would be like with players who opted for the former over the latter:

PATRIOT NO. 1: Sorry, I'm late, Coach. That 25-foot storm surge from our extremely rare Cat 5 hurricane was a really bad deal. My home is gone. I spent the night clinging to a tree in a raging flood, and then I had to swim three miles to dry land and wander another 10 miles barefoot over all the debris to get here. And I don't even swim.

BELICHICK (looking at his watch): You should have learned how. I'm fining you $5,000.

Or ...

PATRIOT NO. 2: Sorry I'm late, Coach. That raging wildfire burning everything between my house and the practice facility was a bitch. I had to knock out a smoke-eater, steal his gear and plunge two miles through the flames to get here. I'm lucky I'm still alive. 

BELICHICK (brushing falling ash from his hoodie as the fire moves ever closer): $5,000 fine for being 10 minutes late. And you'll have to pay for the gear that melted.

And finally ...

PATRIOT NO. 3: Sorry I'm late, Coach. That unprecedented volcanic eruption was the worst natural disaster in American history. Every living thing between Boston and Providence is gone. We're the only ones left, Coach.

BELICHICK: Well, then you can still drop and give me 50. We've got the playoffs to think about. Where's your head, son?

Thursday, January 4, 2018

Claim jumpers

So Alabama and Georgia play for the alleged national title Monday night, which is nice and all, but it really doesn't mean a whole lot outside Athens, Ga., and Tuscaloosa, Ala.

This is because the national title has already been claimed in Orlando, Fla.

Central Florida, see, has declared itself the national champion, on account of it finished the season undefeated while Alabama and Georgia will not. Plus, in the Peach Bowl, UCF beat Auburn, which beat both the Crimson Tide and the Bulldogs.

So, UCF is the people's champ, or some such thing. There's even going to be a parade.

"Well, that's just silly," you're undoubtedly saying now. "Central Florida can't be the national champ just because it says it is. Who does that?"

Well ... as it turns out, a lot of people.

Including, ahem, both Alabama and Georgia.

As Adam Rittenberg of ESPN points out here, 'Bama is actually the leader in the clubhouse in the We're National Champs Because We Say So sweepstakes. The NCAA credits Alabama with 14 national titles; 'Bama claims 16. This includes the 1941 national title, which Minnesota actually won but which the Crimson Tide claims as one of its 16 even though it went 9-2, finished third in the SEC and was ranked 20th in the final Associated Press poll.

But 'Bama declared itself national champ because it was ranked No. 1 in some obscure metric called the Houlgate System.

Similarly, Georgia declared itself national champ the next year, even though Ohio State was ranked No. 1 in the final AP poll. USC and Minnesota, meanwhile, retroactively claimed national titles in 1939 and 1904 -- in Minnesota's case, 108 years after the fact.

So there you have it: Central Florida is the national champ because it says it is. And because history says it can do that.

Enjoy that runnerup game Monday night.

Wednesday, January 3, 2018

The worm keeps turning

And so the sea change in America continues, this time in the most unlikely of places: The desert.

Where the University of Arizona eighty-sixed its head football coach, Rich Rodriguez, after a sexual harassment allegation the university has been investigating since October, and a pending hostile-workplace lawsuit against the school.

You knew eventually the wave of sexual harassment j'accuse would crash ashore in sports, because it is and always has been fertile ground for men treating women badly. It's a male-dominant culture that presumes certain things about women, and those presumptions go all the way to the top. Which is why so many athletic hierarchies -- (cough) the NFL (cough) -- have been largely ineffective at getting their arms around the issue.

Well ... not so much now.

In show business, in business generally, and now in sports, women have decided enough is enough. They are tired of being prey. They are tired of having to kowtow to artificial social constructs because men can't control themselves. They are tired of being tired.

And so they are speaking out, more and more of them -- and if the backlash says a mob mentality has come into play in its wake, well, it's hard not to think it's about damn time. There has, after all, always been a mob mentality at work in this area. The mob in question just had a different gender.

Now the shoe's on the other foot, and so goodbye, RichRod. You may be as innocent as you claim to be, but the length of the school's investigation suggests otherwise. And let's face it: Hardly any male in a male-dominated culture ever thinks he's treated women badly when he's treated women badly. The culture itself precludes him from seeing it otherwise.

Well, gentlemen. Welcome to your wakeup call.

It's being sounded by all those women who've suddenly discovered strength in their common experience, and in their numbers. And it's so loud it's impossible for those at the top to block it out anymore.

"After conducting a thorough evaluation of our football program and its leadership, both on and off the field, President [Robert] Robbins and I feel it is in the best interest of the University of Arizona and our athletics department to go in a new direction," athletic director Dave Heeke said in a statement, upon the announcement of Rodriguez' firing.

A new direction. Do tell.

Tuesday, January 2, 2018

(Self) lovefest

And now, on to the sectional championship game.

Which, yes, is supposedly the College Football Playoff Championship Game, but not now, not after Alabama took down No. 1 Clemson 24-6 and Georgia toppled Oklahoma 54-48 in double overtime in a non-Rose Bowl Rose Bowl that will go down as one for the ages.

Now we get 'Bama-Georgia for the national title. Now we get an all-SEC championship game. Now we get a week of obnoxious bragging (even from the SEC's paid lackeys at ESPN) about how the SEC is the greatest thing since toast on a stick, vastly superior to all the lower classes of Them Other Conferences, who live in the SEC's servants' quarters and exist mainly to serve its needs.

"They say the SEC doesn't dominate any more, but I beg to differ," Alabama center Bradley Bozeman crowed after the Crimson Tide's win.

"I'm trying to figure out how a one-team league has both of the teams playing for the national championship," snickered SEC executive associate commissioner Mark Womack.

Oh, I don't know. Maybe because, at least this year, you were actually a 2-team league?

Let's go to the tape, shall we?

Let's go first to Georgia having to go double overtime to knock off Oklahoma, which doesn't exactly equate to total SEC dominance in this corner. Let's go to the Big Ten's 7-1 record against outsiders in bowl games this season. Let's go to the SEC's 2-5 record. Does all this add up to, as ESPN put it, "there's no doubt" the SEC is the best conference in college football?

No. No it does not.

What it adds up to is, at least this year, there's no doubt the Big Ten was the best conference, top to bottom. What it adds up to is the SEC had two really good teams, one sporadically really good team and a whole lot of "meh" outside that.

Which will not change the narrative this week, of course.

Let the self-lovefest begin.

Monday, January 1, 2018

Partings

And so the calendar turns over again, and here we are in 2018. It's a time when we resolve to be better human beings, at least until January runs out. It's a time when the National Football League puts a cork in another season, and coaches get called into the office to be told their services will no longer be needed.

A new year. An old theme.

Goodbye, then, to Chuck Pagano, who's been a dead man walking since the Indianapolis Colts brought in Chris Ballard as their new general manager last spring. Some stuff happened in the interim, most of it bad, not all of it Pagano's fault. He's not the one, after all, who broke Andrew Luck. He is the one who presided over a 4-12 season only made worse by beating the Texans on Sunday, a nice auld lang syne moment that nonetheless cost the Colts a spot on draft day.

Jim Caldwell had the Suck For Luck season. Pagano had ... a nice auld lang syne moment against the Texans.

And speaking of Jim Caldwell ...

The Lions greeted 2018 by pink-slipping him, too, a somewhat more curious move. For whatever faults he has, Caldwell did manage to squeeze three winning seasons out of his allotted four, including 9-7 this year. He also got them to the playoffs twice in four years, losing in their first game both times.

This doesn't sound like a lot until you realize it's the Lions, one of the NFL's chronic losers. Caldwell's four-year record of 36-28 represents the highest regular-season winning percentage (.563) for any Lions coach in the Super Bowl era. Until Caldwell came along, the Kitties had seen the postseason just once in the new millennium, and they'd put up just two winning seasons in that same span.

And if they lost both playoff games under Caldwell ... well, that was simply a matter of playing to type for a franchise that hasn't won a playoff game in 26 years.

Lions management clearly thinks that's not acceptable anymore, a good thing for everyone but Caldwell. Mediocrity apparently will not suffice anymore. It has, after all, been 60 years since the Lions last won an NFL title. Bobby Layne 'n' them was a long time ago.

And so, out Caldwell goes. Out Pagano goes. It's New Year's Day, after all, when everyone resolves to do better.

Even if you're the Lions.

Update: Bears have turned the page, too.