F. Scott Fitzgerald was wrong

 ... because Bobby Petrino just said, "Neener-neener-neener, dude."

Turns out there are second acts in American life, no matter what F. Scott said. Or, in Petrino's case, third, fourth and fifth acts as well.

This upon the news that the University of Arkansas has hired Petrino as its new offensive coordinator, despite all that unpleasantness from a decade ago. You remember that, right? No? So you've forgotten, the way Arkansas has?

Well, let's refresh your memory.

Eleven years ago, see, when Bobby Petrino was the head football coach at Arkansas and a married man, he started cattin' around with a woman half his age. Even hired her to a university position -- without, of course, telling anyone she was his mistress, which was a glaring violation of school policy.

Nonetheless, everything was going swimmingly until the day Petrino and his squeeze decided to go for a ride on his motorcycle. There was an accident, and Petrino ended up with four broken ribs and a broken vertebra in his neck. The young woman, thankfully, was not injured.

Despite his injuries, however, Petrino tried his damnedest to hide the fact she was on the bike with him, because then the beans would be spilled about their relationship. Even told passersby not to call 911, and waited until the Arkansas State Police were about to release their accident report before finally admitting he'd had a passenger who was a university employee and ... other things.

The ensuing scandal got him fired for cause by Arkansas. The president who signed off on it was named Donald R. Bobbitt.

Who also signed off on re-hiring Petrino, seeing how he's still the university president.

Now, I'm sure this is the part where you say, geez, Mr. Blob, it's been 11 years and people change and everyone deserves forgiveness if they are truly repentant. I get that. And I'm not saying Arkansas should have cast Petrino into outer darkness forever.

What I'm saying is it's passing strange the way life circles back on itself sometimes. And that if you're good at something -- and, listen, Bobby Petrino can coach football -- you never really suffer for your sins.

Or at least not for every long.

Petrino, after all, went almost immediately from Arkansas to the head coaching job at Western Kentucky. Then it was on to Louisville, where he got to coach Heisman Trophy winner Lamar Jackson. Offensive coordinator jobs at UNLV and Texas A&M followed.

Now he's back in Fayetteville, and it's all good with Donald R. Bobbitt 'n' them. The Razorbacks just slogged through a 4-8 season, after all, and priorities are priorities. And so welcome back, Bobby, and don't you worry none about that statute of limitations on shame. Seems it just ran out, conveniently enough.

Of course, in a time when folks who used to take guff refuse to take it anymore, Donald R. Bobbitt 'n' them might get a little pushback for dipping into the Sleazy Horndogs We Have Known pool. Women especially have become notorious non-guff takers (and it's about time, frankly). And so hiring Petrino is likely to go over like a lead balloon in some quarters of campus.

Or, maybe not.

I mean, 4-8 is 4-8. And that dog just won't hunt.

A-portaling we will go

 Every day now, it seems, the now-fabled transfer portal wins more fans, and by that I mean "not fans." Since the NCAA instituted it during its current "Aw, hell, do whatever you want" phase, football and basketball players have been changing schools the way they change their socks. And everyone hates it.

(This includes coaches and former coaches, which is some stunningly impressive hypocrisy. Like they don't change schools the way they change their socks, and pretty much always have? And for the same reasons, i.e., bigger money and better opportunities?)

Anyway ... this is hitting home here in Indiana, where IU and Purdue are both experiencing a surge in transfer portal-ing. In Bloomington this is understandable and even predictable, because Indiana is in the middle of a regime change and the future for current IU players is therefore murky. In West Lafayette, however ...

Well. The Boilermakers are leaking bodies to the transfer portal at an even faster clip than IU, and on the surface that's a lot more concerning. Ryan Walters, after all, just finished his first season as Purdue's head coach. How much of an indictment of the direction players think his program is headed that so many are bailing on it -- or at least thinking about it, because entering the transfer portal doesn't necessarily mean you're leaving?

Here's my answer: It's not an indictment at all.

In fact, the Blob suspects the motivation isn't much different than it is in Bloomington.   In both places, uncertainty is a factor; at IU, the uncertainty of not knowing whom the new coach will be, and at Purdue, the uncertainty of not knowing how you fit into your new coach's vision going forward.

Every new coach, after all, has his own way of doing things and his own scheme, and sorting it all out takes time. Even players who, as at Purdue, played significant roles in Walters' first year may not be the right fit going forward. Or may not think they are.

I suspect that might be behind the surge of transfers in West Lafayette. Guys have had a season playing in Walters' system, and some have maybe decided it's not for them. And that's OK. They'll go elsewhere, and Walters will recruit replacements who are better fits (and perhaps better buy-ins). It's why we always reserve judgment on a coach until he's been through a couple of recruiting cycles.

Now, you can say all the transfer portal-ing indicates Walters hasn't done a very good selling job so far. But absent further evidence, I don't think the message here is "That guy's a tool, I ain't playin' for him."

In any case, a-portaling they are going. Do not be alarmed, Boilerheads.

Mascot time!

 Those who religiously follow the Blob ("Religiously? That's pushing it," you're saying) know it is a certified Mascot Appreciation Zone, and the weirder the better. It's why my favorite mascots include that red thing at Western Kentucky, Chauncey the Chanticleer at Coastal Carolina and even creepy mascots like the Demon Deacon at Wake Forest and Purdue Pete ("He's got lifeless eyes!") at Purdue.

But you know what's the weirdest/creepiest mascot yet?

It's Popsy the Pop-Tart or whatever his name is, the official mascot of the upcoming Pop-Tarts Bowl.

That's because Popsy-or-whatever will be the first edible mascot. No, really! He'll be an actual giant Pop-Tart, but with a face and little arms and legs and what-not. But (to quote Mac Davis in "North Dallas Forty") we haven't even gotten to the weird part yet!

Which is, at the end of the game, the winning team will get to eat ol' Popsy. No, really!

"OK, now THAT'S creepy," you're saying now.

Oh, I don't know. What could possibly be creepy about a bunch of football players engaging in symbolic cannibalism to celebrate a bowl victory?

And wouldn't it be great if Popsy suddenly became self-aware and started running for his life? 

"Later, boys, I'm takin' my frosted strawberry ass outta here!" Popsy cried, beating feet toward the far end zone ...

It would be reminiscent, kind of, of something a friend of mine said he witnessed years ago after the Old Oaken Bucket game in Bloomington. Purdue had ball-peened Indiana as it had a habit of doing in those days, and as the aforementioned Purdue Pete made his way off the field, a handful of vengeful Indiana fans surrounded him and took his sledgehammer away from him.

Then they started chasing him with it, Purdue Pete's giant papier-mache head wobbling back and forth as he took panicked flight.

Now, I don't know if that story is true, sort of true or greatly embellished. But just the thought of Purdue Pete trying to run with that giant head wobbling around makes me chuckle.

As does the thought of ol' Popsy running away from all those Pop-Tart cannibals.

Ah, mascots. They do bring such joy.

A few brief thoughts on NFL Week 11

 And now this week's edition of The NFL In So Many Words, the all-knowing Blob feature with all your answers to "Why?", and of which critics have said "All-knowing? I got your all-knowing right here, bub", and also "Here's my 'why': Why do they keep making me review this trash?"

1. Because I'm paying your boss under the table.

2. Because Bears 12,Vikings 10 was the Ghost of Monday Night Football Past's revenge for the NFL making it just another night of football.

3. "Take that, you oversaturating oligarchs!" (Howard Cosell)

4. Because Giants 10, Patriots 7 was Jimmy Hoffa's revenge for the mob burying him under one end zone in the Meadowlands.

5. "You ain't gonna dance on me TODAY, by God!" (Jimmy)

6. Because Packers 29, Lions 22 on Thanksgiving Day was the football gods telling the Lions they were getting a liiiitle too big for their britches.

7. "The Packers? The hell did THEY come from?" (The Lions)

8. Because the now 6-5 Colts 17, Buccaneers 10 is Shane Steichen's way of saying "Neener-neener-neener" to all the doubters.

9. "The Colts? The hell did THEY come from?" (The doubters)

10. Because ten answers is all the Blob allows in this feature.

That guy again

Indiana fired good-guy-but-bad-coach Tom Allen just a day ago, and now social media is crawling with the names of possible successors. And you know what one of those names is?

Wait for it ... wait for it ...

Yes! It's a Jon Gruden sighting!

Or, you know, not.

In any case, his name has turned up again, like the bad penny you always heard about. Granted, it's not turning up in any sane way -- no one with any chops on the IU football beat thinks there's a lick of substance to it -- but in the make-believe world of You Never Know, you never know. 

As in: You'd hope Indiana AD Scott Dolson would have the sense God gave spaghetti, but you never know.

I say this because the continual fascination with Gruden never ceases to amaze me, because his reputation as some sort of coaching wizard is built on ... well, I don't know what it's built on. His time as a favorite guest on Mike & Mike, maybe?

Aside from that, it's a damn mystery. Gruden's a career .500 NFL coach -- OK, so he's 117-115 in 15 seasons, close enough -- who won a Super Bowl in Tampa with a team Tony Dungy built. Other than that, here's what he's done:

* Went 45-51 in six more seasons in Tampa after that initial Super Bowl run.

* Went 22-31 in his second stint with the Raiders from 2018-2021.

Where he was fired five games into that last season after it got out that he was a racist, homophobic, misogynist tool who was fond of throwing around words like "faggot" in his e-mails. And where he also opined that women  and "queers" have no place in football, and employed the most ancient of racist tropes by saying NFLPA president Maurice Smith had lips like Michelin tires.

Yeah, boy. Sounds like just the guy you want to bring onto a college campus here in 2023.

That's why this is  no more than rumors and whispers of rumors, and a lot of wishful thinking from people who don't know any better. The search will commence, and eventually Dolson will find his guy. But it won't be some mediocre bigot like Jon Gruden.

He said, almost confidently.

History 1, Tom Allen 0

 And now, as night follows day, Tom Allen is out at Indiana. He was going to be out anyway no matter what happened in West Lafayette yesterday, but blowing a 10-point lead in the fourth quarter and surrendering the Old Oaken Bucket to Purdue again confirmed the regime change was coming.

For that, you can only feel a sense of deja vu, and also a tinge of sadness. Because while Tom Allen turned out not to be a good head football coach, he remains a profoundly decent and classy human being.

He had his moment of glory from 2018 to 2020, when he built an Indiana program that went 19-14, beat Penn State and Wisconsin and went to two January bowl games, the Outback and the Gator. But as has been the case in Bloomington since time immemorial, he was unable to sustain that level of competence.

The 6-1 record in 2020 was followed by a 9-27 run over the next three seasons, including 3-23 in the Big Ten. And with USC, UCLA, Oregon and Washington coming aboard next year, things were only going to get worse unless Indiana did something desperate.

Like, you know, swallow the $20 million buyout in Allen's deal.

(Although they settled on $15.5 mill, with donors coughing up the dough)

That AD Scott Dolson and the Indiana administration were willing to do that at least signals football might be important to them after all, though the enormous weight of IU's mediocre gridiron history remains a so-far insurmountable obstacle. I am 68 years old, and in my lifetime the only sustained period of success happened under Bill Mallory.

Since then, Cam Cameron, Gerry DiNardo, Bill Lynch, the late Terry Hoeppner, Kevin Wilson and Allen failed to more than temporarily shed IU's implacable beige-ness. And for all Allen's failings as a head coach, none of his five predecessors approached his .402 winning percentage, nor won more than 19 games in their tenures. Allen won 33.

But what he had done lately carried far more heft. Because there is no more what-have-you-done-lately enterprise than D-I college football, enormous cash cow that it is.

So will the next guy, whoever he is, lift Indiana to at least the level of OK-ness Mallory brought to Bloomington 35 or more years ago?

I wish I could say yes.

Best I can do is "We shall see."

Game misconduct

Sometimes it's like watching a car crash in slow motion, this National Hockey League. You know Gary Bettman 'n' them are gonna drive into that tree, but it's too late to shout "Hey, dummy, don't drive into that tree!"

Case in point: The other night in Minnesota.

Where, on Native American Heritage Night -- Native American Heritage Night -- Minnesota Wild goalie Marc-Andre Fleury had a custom mask all set to go to honor his wife, who is Native American. The mask was created by Cole Redhorse Taylor, a Minnesota native and Mdewakanton Dakota, and included the names of Fleury's children and a quote from his father.

The NHL said nyet.

In fact, the NHL said he couldn't even wear it in warmups without incurring a fine. On (and we can't say this too many times) Native American Heritage Night.

You there, in the back.

"Question, Mr. Blob. Is the NHL just stupid or what?" 

Well, I think we can eliminate the "or what."

I mean, seriously, we're talking about a league with the Chicago Blackhawks, whose unis are adorned with the head of a Native American. And the NHL lets them wear those unis every night. 

But Fleury can't wear a mask (even in warmups!) honoring Native American heritage on the night specifically designed for that purpose?

Stupid may not be a strong enough word.

Now, I have no idea what the league's rationale for this was, and I really don't care. Any explanation it has would be, well, stupid. And I speak from experience here.

See, I'm old enough to remember when Johnny Unitas died, and his lineal descendant, Peyton Manning, wanted to honor his memory by wearing the black high-top cleats Unitas made famous. Nice gesture, right?

Nah. The geniuses of what was then Paul Tagliabue's NFL said nyet. 

They even threatened Manning with a choke-a-horse fine, just as the NHL threatened Fleury. Part of this is because the NFL is the most stick-up-its-ass organization in professional sports, with its Fashion Nazis forever on high alert for an untucked jersey or a non-compliant sock. But you're gonna love the rest of the league's reasoning.

It's because the League had decreed only the Baltimore Ravens could wear a commemorative Unitas patch that Sunday.

The Ravens, who used to be the Cleveland Browns. The Ravens, whose record book is devoid of the name John Unitas, for the excellent reason that John Unitas never played a down for the Ravens -- or for the Cleveland Browns. for that matter.

He played for the Baltimore Colts.

Who did not stop being the Colts when they moved to Indianapolis.

And whose record book, therefore, has John Unitas' name written all over it.

Made you just want to grab your head and scream. It really did.

All these years later, you want to do it again, on behalf of Marc-Andre Fleury. Like Peyton Manning, he thought about wearing the mask anyway. But he was told he couldn't by the Wild, because the Wild had itself been threatened twice with its own fine if Fleury wore the mask.

I don't know about you. But how awesome would it have been had the Wild told the league, "Go ahead, fine us, then", and directed Fleury to wear the mask anyway?

Or at least had the evening's referee slap the NHL with a game misconduct?