Hacker Hell

 The record books will say J.J. Spaun won the U.S. Open yesterday at drenched Oakmont in Pennsylvania, dunking a 64-foot Rand McNally job on the 18th green to seal it. He went birdie-birdie on his last two holes to win by two strokes over a Scot named Robert MacIntyre.

So raise a glass this day to J.J., who'd won only one other time on tour and at once became one of the more unlikely U.S. Open champs in memory.

Of course, the record books do not tell the whole story.

The rest of it is J.J. Spaun having to share the podium with the golf gods.

They were the real winners of this major, delighting as they did in torturing the world's best golfers  with lousy weather -- it rained all day Sunday, a fitting end to the week -- and the usual jumped-up course "improvements" for which the U.S. Open is notorious. The result was a Hacker Hell that was even more hellish than usual, and resulted in only J.J. Spaun finishing under par.

And Spaun barely cleared that bar, finishing at 1-under. If he doesn't drop the cross-country putt on 18, he wins a major championship at even par.

I don't know about you. But this sounds more like a number Weekend Wilbur shoots to win the Crack Me Another Cold One Open at Whispering Landfill Golf Club.

Of course, these things will happen when you trick up a course with everything but land mines and punji sticks.

At Oakmont, the greens were slicker than a politician's smile, and the rough was your basic Brazilian rainforest. Throw in the Dial-A-Monsoon weather, and it made for some pretty hideous golf.

Example: The last-place finisher in the Open, a gentleman named Philip Barbaree Jr., shot 24-over par. Made the cut, then finished 75-82 on the weekend. That's 17-over in 36 holes if you're keeping score at home.

Among those of whom you've heard, the previously peerless Scottie Scheffler was over-served with peer, finishing 4-over without a round under par. Rory McIlroy shot plus-7 and was plus-10 going into Sunday, when he put up a 67 to save a little face.

Rory at least fared better than defending Open champ Bryson DeChambeau, who went 78-77 and easily missed the cut. Ludvig Aberg (72-76), Patrick Cantlay (76-72) and Justin Thomas (76-76) also went home early, just to name a few.

And then there was Shane  Lowry of Ireland, McIlroy's fast friend, whom Oakmont seemed especially delighted to punch around. Lowry opened with a 78, and, as if to show us we hadn't seen nothin' yet, followed it with a 79. Outta there.

But not before pronouncing perhaps the proper benediction for this week.

"F*** this place," a microphone caught him saying, after lipping out another gimme putt.

Well, now.