Today in dumb ideas

The National Football League, which brought you Let's Pretend We're Not Trying To Kill Our Players and other classic hits, has come up with another burnt-out lightbulb of an idea. Beginning this season, the League is requiring its coaches to submit to in-game interviews from sideline reporters.

I'm sure this will add layers of insight that have been previously unexplored. OK, so no.

No, like many of you, the Blob is trying to figure out what the point is, aside from "There is no point, we're just doing it because basketball does it." Unlike many of you, however, I immediately imagined how this would have played in a day when NFL coaches weren't as media-savvy as they are now ...

"Good afternoon, everyone, and welcome to Lambeau Field, where it's colder than a well-digger's ass and the Green Bay Packers and Dallas Cowboys are playing for the NFL championship. Game-time temperature is minus-13 with a windchill of My Toes Just Turned Black. Let's go down to our sideline reporter Biff Turducken for an in-game chat with Packers coach Vince Lombardi. Biff?"

"Thanks, big guy. Let me squeeze past Jerry Kramer here and grab Coach Lombar-"

"Hey! You stepped on my foot! And who are you, anyway?"

"I'm Biff Turducken, sideline reporter for the Big Deal Network. If I could just slip by here and grab Coach Lombardi for a sec-"

"Hey, Vince! Check this out! Some TV doofus wants to interview you IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAMN GAME!"

(Lombardi whirls around)

"The HELL?? Who let you down here? Out! Out! We're tryin' to win a football game here! Jerry ... Fuzzy ... run the Packer sweep over this guy's ass!"

"But, Coach, you agreed to do this. Just one question, OK?"

(Lombardi grumbles, sighs, walks over)

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. That damn Rozelle. I swear, if the man had a brain he'd be loanin' it out to strangers. OK, so what's your question?"

"How is your team handling this brutal cold, Coach?"

"WHAT?? How do you THINK we're handling it, dumbass? We're freezing to death! I tried to send McGee into the game and found out he'd turned into a McGee-sized Popsicle! I hadda send Mercein in at fullback 'cause all our other fullbacks were frozen solid! You know how long it takes to thaw out a fullback? 'How is your team handling this brutal cold.' Crissakes."

"Well, good luck, Coach. Now back to th- holy (bleep) Nitschke just took my microphone! Now he's trying to shove it up my -- Ow! Ow! That HURTS!!"

(Audio abruptly goes silent. On the screen, the play-by-play man appears)

"Thanks for that informative report, Biff! Now a word from our sponsors."