Gettin' Drafty in here

 Tonight is the greatest primetime event you don't really have to watch to watch, the NFL Draft, which consists of draft gurus like Mel Kiper Jr. (and Mel Kiper Jr.'s hair, a Hasbro product) talking about why the Jets drafted a guy with great upside because he has tight skin, and why the Lions blew it again because the offensive lineman they drafted is a waist-bender.

("Tight skin" and "waist bender" being actual Draft-y terms. What, you think I could make those up?)

Anyway ... the draft has become the Draft, a traveling road show that's become a weird sort of American Mardi Gras. Last year, in Nashville, the event drew thousands of fans decked out in their respective team gear. Jacksonville fans huzzah-ed loudly when the Jaguars took Trevor Lawrence as expected, not knowing that in a few months the Jags would hire Urban Meyer and everything would go to hell.

This year?

Well, tonight a lot of gurus think the Jags will take one of two defensive ends, Aidan Hutchinson of Michigan or Travon Walker of Georgia, with the first pick. The Lions will take Hutchinson if the Jags don't; otherwise, they'll take a defensive back, maybe Kyle Hamilton from Notre Dame or Ahmad "Sauce" Gardner from Cincinnati.

(Me, I hope they take Sauce, if it comes to that. On account of a guy named Sauce just sounds like a Lions guy. Especially if he turns out to be a huge bust.)

The gurus also think the first quarterback taken will be Malik Willis from Liberty, and he'll go to the Panthers with the sixth pick. Also, they think the Jets will pick offensive lineman Ikem "Ickey" Ekwonu from North Carolina State with the fourth pick, which would be perfect. Few things could be more Jets than drafting a kid named Ickey -- even if he's  really, really good, which he's supposed to be.

Elsewhere ... well, it looks like the usual pile of DEs and OLs and wide receivers. There'll be the usual tearful celebrations when a player hears his name called. Jets fans and Giants fans and Eagles fans will boo their pick, because Jets fans and Giants fans and Eagles fans. They'd boo their own grandmothers if their team picked her.

"Grandma? What the HELL?? She has no motor! And that godawful tuna casserole of hers!" Jets Fan or Giants Fan or Eagles Fan will say.

Grandma, meanwhile, will turn out to be the Micah Parsons of the 2022 draft. Then she'll sign with the Rams for the GNP of Bulgaria when her rookie deal runs out.

"Tuna casserole THAT, sonny!" she'll say.

But enough of this silliness. On with the show.