The Last Zzzzzz

By now everyone in America except your Aunt Tillie's cat has seen at least parts of "The Last Dance," the 10-part Michael Jordan/Bulls doc that is less a Dance than a Dance Marathon, and less a doc than a 10-hour infomercial for the Michael Jordan Institute of I Am The GOAT And Don't You Forget It.

Well. If you think that was great (and, OK, it was), wait until you hear what ESPN's got in the pipeline next.

Can I get a big huzzah for nine hours of Tom Brady?

Yes, that's right, America. Coming soon from The Worldwide Leader (and from Brady and his production company): "The Man in the Arena," a nine-part chronicle of Brady's career with the New England Patriots.

Hoo, boy. I cannot wait for this.

Nine hours of Bill Belichick glowering and mumbling into microphones. Nine hours of Patriotspeak from Brady and various teammates. Nine hours of spinning Spygate and Deflategate and discoursing on the intricacies of the Tuck Rule. Gimme.

OK, OK. So I could be wrong about this.

In the course of nine parts, Brady might actually reveal he has a personality. Belichick might actually smile (he did, after all, dress up as a pirate one year for Halloween.) They could devote an inordinate amount of time to Randy Moss and Rob Gronkowski, the only Patriots in the Brady/Belichick era who didn't seem like they were answering a casting call for the role of Data in "Star Trek: The Next Generation."

I suppose -- suppose -- this could be kinda-sorta interesting. It's possible.

Nah.

The problem with Brady and the Patriots, see, is they're the most boring GOAT and most boring sports dynasty ever. A major part of their success, after all, was their stoic adherence to the Patriot Way. With the obvious exception of Gronk, they didn't long tolerate characters (or, in the case of Aaron Hernandez, murderous sociopaths.) Their very singlemindedness made them colorless and largely uninteresting.

(Case in point: How many times have we heard that Brady's maniacal drive to succeed was fueled by being picked in the sixth round of the draft? It's because it's the only really intriguing part of his narrative.)

In any event, I now eagerly await future collaborations between ESPN and various athletes' marketing departments:

* A 10-part series on Danny Ongais, famously reticent race driver.

* A 10-part series on Steve Carlton, famously reticent baseball player.

* A 10-part series on Earl Anthony, famously crewcut bowler.

And last but not least:

* A 10-part series on Vernon "Slim" "Whitey" Carmichael, the legendary storefront checkers player who the boys down at the Hooterville Mercantile claim "wouldn't say (bleep) if he had a mouthful."

Sounds like the perfect subject.