Happy the day before a new decade, the science-fictiony 2020s, in which exploding technology will violently explode in colorful exploding geysers of exploding flame and fresh idiocy.
Kind of like Our Only Available Exploding Impeached President, last seen drooling in his soup and muttering something about dangerous windy wind and how it will kill America if we don't stop it.
But enough about 2019.
2020 is fresh, it's new, it's What's Happenin' Now. And so the Blob is here to do its annual Blob thing, which is rip off shopworn New Year's bits about what's going to happen in the year ahead, only turn them upside-down, sorta.
In other words: Welcome to What Won't Happen In 2020.
In January, the New England Patriots will not get to the Super Bowl again, a shocking development that leaves much of America bereaved. Or not.
"Gee, it won't seem like the Super Bowl without the Patriots in it," America will say (or not). And also, "Golly, I guess there's no reason to watch if there's no chance to see Tom Brady get squashed like a bug and Bill Belichick's scowl grow even more scowl-y. Well, except for that new Geico ad."
In other news, the NBA season will not end, even though it seems like it should have ended ages ago -- like, say, in 1625.
In February, the Super Bowl will not fail to disappoint again, even though the Ravens find new and exciting ways to use Lamar Jackson as a placekicker. L-Jack outscores Aaron Rodgers five field goals to four, and the Ravens beat the Packers 15-12 in the worst Super Bowl ever played until next year's Super Bowl.
In other news, the NBA season again will not end, even though we're up to 1777 now and LeBron James surprised the Hessians by crossing Wilshire Boulevard in a stretch Hummer.
Speaking of the NBA ... in March, Zion Williamson, the guy everyone has been waiting to see play since that long-ago day in 1625, will not return to the New Orleans Pelicans' lineup. The Pelicans will not issue a statement saying "Zion will be back any day now," and "He continues to make great progress," because that would just be cruel.
In other news, the NBA season will not ... well, you know. The league will not issue a mildly petulant statement to the effect that "Look, we're hurrying this along as best we can," and also "Come on, it's only 1825 and Zion isn't even back yet! Quit whining!"
In April, Duke will not win the NCAA basketball title, and neither will Kentucky, Kansas, Gonzaga, Michigan State, Ohio State or any of them others. This is because the NCAA will not allow them to play in the tournament, a fit of pique triggered by that (expletive) (expletive) law in California that forbids member schools from exploiting their athletes just to make money.
"Fine! We'll let Directional Hyphen Tech State win the title, then! See if we care!" the NCAA will not say in a statement, although it wants to.
In other news, the NHL will not say "Hey! Our season goes on forever, too! What about us?"
Although it wants to.
In May, Zion Williamson again will not return to the Pelicans lineup. The Pelicans will not release a statement that says "Any day now! Really!" because people would just laugh.
In other news, the NBA and NHL will not engage in hand-to-hand combat to see which league's season can last the longest. This is because they're only up to 1905 now and everyone has moved on to baseball and NASCAR -- both of which last forever, too, but haven't started to congeal yet.
Also, the Indianapolis 500.
In June and July, Tiger Woods, after not winning the Masters and the PGA Championship, will not win the U.S. and British Opens. Instead, "Tiger Woods," an exact animatronic duplicate of Tiger Woods that first appeared at last year's Masters, will win them.
The appropriate ruling bodies of golf, however, will declare "Tiger Woods" victories invalid, citing some arcane golf rule about outfit coordination. Charl Swartzel will be awarded the titles instead, on account of "Charl Swartzel" is fun to say.
In other news, the NBA and the NHL, locked in a fight to the death, will not end their seasons even though the Sacramento Kings and Quebec Nordiques have won their respective titles. Instead, they'll both immediately begin their seasons again. The league offices will not issue matching statements that say "Neener-neener-neener," although they want to.
In August, Zion Williamson will not return to the Pelicans' lineup. The Pelicans will not release a statement, only video of a Pelicans' executive whistling tunelessly and looking at the ceiling.
In other news ... oh, forget it.
In October, the Cubs will not make the World Series again. The baseball gods will not release a statement to the effect that "You must be this tall to ride this ride," and also "Besides, we let you win in 2016. Quit yer bellyachin' and go home."
Although they want to.
In November, Our Only Available Exploding Impeached President, now raving about "tiny invisible liberals from the Ukraine" who've clandestinely "injected socialism into our drinking water," is not re-elected. This is because he's simply claimed victory, declaring that elections are "fake news."
Amazingly, almost half of America will not say "This guy is bats**t!", instead opting for "Well, that all makes sense to me."
And last but not least ...
In December, Alabama, Clemson, Ohio State and some other SEC school will not make the College Football Playoff. This is because the NCAA, still mad about the California thing, will not allow it to happen even though they're all undefeated. Instead, just for spite, they put Notre Dame and Sarah Lawrence -- a college that doesn't have a football program -- in the title game.
"Neener-neener-neener," the NCAA will not say in a statement.
"Finally! Another national title!" Notre Dame athletic director Jack Swarbrick will also not say.
"Sarah Lawrence? That's not even a real school! Fake news!" OOAEIP will also not say.
Nah. He'll say it.
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