And now, on to the prop bets, a Super Bowl Week tradition in itself, in which Vegas rolls out a bunch of dumb stuff hopeless addicts can bet on after they've dropped their pile on either the Eagles or Patriots.
(The hopeless addicts, by the way, have apparently talked themselves into thinking the Eagles have a chance. The line is down to four-and-a-half points or so this morning thanks to heavy action on the Eagles the last few days. No, I don't get it, either.)
Anyway ... you can bet on anything surrounding the Super Bowl, which is why the prop bets exist. How long will it take Pink to sing the national anthem? Will any players kneel? What will Tom Brady wear on his "injured" "hand", and will either he or Bill Belichick announce his retirement if the Patriots win?
Will Gronk play? Will there be a concussion protocol incident during the game? Will halftime act Justin Timberlake manufacture another Wardrobe Malfunction -- the single most overblown "scandal" in Super Bowl history, given the number of people who saw Janet Jackson's naked breast in photos later on and then convinced themselves they saw it live?
Yes, you can bet on anything. And so it's time once again for the Blob to roll out its own prop bets, because the Blob knows you've been waiting on pins and needles for them all week.
("No, we haven't!" you're saying. "Who said that? That is fake news, mister. We don't actually care about your silly prop bets.")
Well ... too bad. Here they are anyway:
1. How long will it take Ben's wife, Julie, to ask "Who is this Nick Foles person?"
A. 2.5 minutes.
B. 12.5 minutes.
C. Not applicable, because she'll already be in the other room by kickoff.
2. How will Ben answer?
A. "He's the lead singer of that rock group, Nick Foles Five."
B. "He's that guy they chain to the wall in the dungeon in those Bud Light Dilly-Dilly ads."
C. "He's the guy playing quarterback for the Eagles because that other guy playing quarterback for the Eagles got hurt and ... oh, forget it. He's the Nick Foles Five guy."
3. Speaking of the Dilly-Dilly ads, how long before Ben says "Where are the Dilly-Dilly ads?"
A. 2.5 minutes.
B. 12.5 minutes.
C. 12.5 minutes, and then every minute or so thereafter.
4. How long before Ben says "I believe I'm going to have another brownie/beer/pile of chips and bucket of salsa"?
A. 12.5 seconds.
B. 7.6 seconds.
C. The number of nanoseconds Janet Jackson's naked breast was actually visible on the screen during the Wardrobe Malfunction (Correct answer: 1).
5. When will Julie come back in the room and ask "Who's winning?"
A. Midway through the second quarter.
B. Midway through the third quarter.
C. The worst possible time, i.e., the moment Tom Brady has thrown his fourth touchdown pass with his "injured" "hand" and it's obvious the Patriots are going to win AGAIN.
6. When will Ben say "These ads really suck this year, except for the Dilly-Dilly ad."
A. Midway through the second quarter.
B. Midway through the third quarter.
C. Right after the FarmersOnly.com ad, which Ben hates with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns.
7. How long will the beer hold out?
A. 2.5 quarters.
B. 3 quarters.
C. Not nearly long enough if the Patriots win AGAIN.
And last but not least ...
8. When will Ben get disgusted and switch over to the Puppy Bowl?
1. Midway through the second quarter.
2. Midway through the third quarter.
3. Never, because he'll fall asleep on the couch, missing the halftime Wardrobe Malfunction, Tom Brady's third and fourth touchdowns, Bill Belichick killing Gronk with his bare hands after Gronk dumps the sports drink on him, and the Dilly-Dilly ad.
But not, of course, the FarmersOnly.com ad.
Dammit.
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