Friday, July 7, 2017

Today in mascot news

And now, because the Blob is and always will be a Mascot Appreciation Zone, an update from the Fort Wayne Mad Ants, renowned far and wide for having the scariest mascot in sports ...

Apparently this is a problem.

Apparently the Mad Ants, and their parent club the Pacers, have decided to "soften" the Mad Ant, to make him less intimidating and more child friendly -- and also make him blue.

A blue ant!

And, yes, that's because it's a Pacers color, and also because you can find blue ants in cartoons and animated feature films. So certain individuals think it's all good.

It is not. It is bad, very, very bad.

Because, listen, having one of the scariest mascots in sports is a brand, a great brand -- who out there in America would know about the Mad Ants if it weren't for the Scariest Mascot In Sports? -- and now they're not just giving that up, they're voluntarily giving that up. And they're giving it up for some Smurfy, cuddly Ant, a mascot that will look like pretty much every other mascot in sports.

Well, except for Clark the Bear, the Cubs mascot. Who stands out because he doesn't have pants.

But the Ant?

He was red because red ants are nasty, the way you want your basketball team to be. He was muscle-y and fierce-looking, because you want your players to be muscle-y and fierce (Like Draymond Green!). He was smiling, but it was one of those psycho, I'm-going-to-kick-your-butt smiles -- the kind of smile Draymond Green wears right before he kicks someone in the twigs and berries.


Sorry. Didn't mean to yell.

But the idea of devolving the Mad Ant into some "softer" blue thing deeply offends, or should deeply offend, all right-thinking mascot lovers everywhere. Yes, the current Mad Ant is not particularly kid-friendly, although lots of kids apparently love him. Besides, mascots, no matter how cuddly, are always going to intimidate young children.

They're big, they're puffy, they walk funny. And they don't talk. Scary.

Not as famously scary as the Mad Ant though. More's the pity.

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