O Canada. Oh, woe is us.

Any good historian could have set you straight. Despite what we like think here in the US of A, Canada's always been better than us.

I mean, we are 0-for-2 in attempts to conquer our neighbors to the north.

Benedict Arnold failed to take Quebec in the Revolution, then sold us out to the British (to rub salt in that particular wound).  Then, while Canada's British pals were burning our capitol, we failed utterly to return the favor, in comic-opera fashion, in the War of 1812.

So we can't beat the Canadians in war, we can't beat 'em hockey, and there's some pretty compelling evidence their beer is better, too. And now?

Now we can't even beat 'em at our own game.

Yes, that's right. Last night, in the Pan-Am Games, the Canadians won the gold medal in baseball by beating -- you got it -- the United States. Forget the Confederate flag. It's an outbreak of bleeping red maple leafs we really ought to be worried about  down here in Lesser America.

After all, if the Canadians can beat us in baseball, what's next? Ontario gets Vermont and New Hampshire in a package deal? LeBron James leaves Cleveland (again!) to join the Toronto Raptors? All Gordon Lightfoot, all the time, in America's elevators?

Or how about this: From now to the end of time, every U.S. president must take the oath of office while wearing a throwback Quebec Nordiques jersey. And instead of the Bible, he takes the oath with his right hand on a copy of My Life, by Bobby Orr.

Then Don Cherry, the crazy-uncle host of Hockey Night in Canada, comes out dressed in a suit fashioned from an American flag and leads everyone in a rousing chorus of "O Canada." And all the while ranting that we'd better get the bleepin' words right, because it's not like we've got an alternative.

I mean, what are we gonna do? Invade 'em?

Bwah-ha-ha-ha.