Bracketology 101

Partial transcript of the secret recordings made at selection committee headquarters in Indianapolis Sunday, delivered late last night in a plain manila envelope by an unidentified man in a plain black hooded sweatshirt:

(Rustling papers. Sound of door opening and closing. More rustling papers).

Voice No. 1: Well?

Voice No. 2: Sorry. No dice. It's Indiana, remember? Couldn't hook a sixer on Sunday if you were Robert Montgomery Knight his ownself.

(More rustling of paper. Sound of someone clearing throat).

Voice No. 1: Damn.

(Pause).

God, I hate Indiana.

Voice No. 3: Me, too.

Voice No. 4: Preach it, brother.

(More rustling papers. Sound of chairs being shifted).

Voice 1: So, what do we have, guys?

Voice 3: Well, speaking of Indiana, we've got five schools in this thing. IU, God knows how. Also Purdue, Notre Dame, of course, Valparaiso and Butler.

Voice 4: Valpo, I like Valpo. Bryce Drew, Ole Miss, all that.

(Uncomfortable pause).

Voice 1: Yes ,,, well ,..

(Pause)

So, gentlemen, what do we do with 'em?

Voice 3: Let's send Purdue to the West Regional!

Voice 1 (exasperated): Good God, you say that every year.

Voice 3:  That's 'cause it never gets old. We send 'em West, Keady flips out ... those were fun times, man.

Voice 1: No, we've got to stick it to 'em good this time. And I don't mean Purdue. I mean the whole lousy we're-too-high-and-mighty-to-sell-Bud-Light-on-Sunday state. I mean, there's five of  'em, right? If we don't play this smart, we could end up with four teams from Indiana in a Final Four in Indianapolis. That'd  be way too much Indiana even for Bobby Plump.

Voices 2, 3 and 4: Who's Bobby Plump?

(Pause)

Voice 1: Idiots.

(More rustling papers).

Voice 1: OK. So let's do this. Let's put 'em all in the Midwest Regional. Make it so Notre Dame would play Butler in the second round, and then play Indiana in the Sweet Sixteen.

Voices 2 and 3: As if.

Voice 1: Anyway ...

Voice 4: What about Valpo?

Voice 1 (sighing loudly): Again with the Valpo. Look, we throw Valpo at Maryland in the first round. Get rid of 'em right off the bat.

Voice 4 (barely audible): I don't know about that. Bryce Drew ... Ole Miss ...

Voice 1: Yeah, whatever. Let's move on, shall we?

Voice 3 (excitedly) What about Purdue? Is this the part where we make a last-second change and send 'em to the West Regional?

(Frantic rustling of papers).

Voice 1: No, dammit! Here's what we do. This is beauty: Not only do we put all the Indiana schools in the Midwest Regional, we stick Kentucky in there with 'em! How do you like them apples?

Voice 2 and 3: Oooh!

Voice 4: Nice!

Voice 1: And of course, we arrange it so Purdue has to play them in the second round, assuming it can beat Cincinnati in the first round.

Voice 3 (excitedly): In other words, we find a whole new way to screw the Boilers! I like it!

 (Loud babble of voices talking over each other).

Voice 1: OK, OK. Settle down. So we're all agreed, right? This is what we do?

(Pause)

Yes, (name redacted).

Voice 4: And then we do what we usually do and give Duke the easiest path, right?

Voice 1: Of course ...

End of transcript.