... it must be true.
Or not. Probably not.
This upon the latest bit of analysis from ESPN draft guru Mel Kiper Jr., whose hibernation cycle is about to begin now that the NFL Draft is over. But before Mel retires to his man cave (and, no doubt, climbs beneath sheets decorated with mock draft boards), he offered one last gem.
The Indianapolis Colts, he said, had the best draft last weekend. And because they did, they're going to the Super Bowl this year.
There are two possible explanations for this pronouncement, as the Blob sees it. They are:
1. Mel is right.
2. Mel has been huffing his own hair product.
The Blob leans heavily toward "2" -- but then again, Colts GM Chris Ballard did have another stellar draft. Trading out of the first round, the Colts loaded up in the second round and beyond, finding both value and a wealth of speed and athleticism. One of their picks, Ohio State wide receiver Parris Campbell, has been compared favorably to Percy Harvin by his college coach, Urban Meyer.
Bottom line: The Colts got deeper, faster and more athletic, particularly on the defensive side of the ball, where they potentially made huge strides in their pass rush off the edge.
So ... I don't know, maybe Mel's right. Even without the draft upgrades, the Colts reached the second round of the playoffs last year. The Chiefs, who beat them handily, seem poised to take a step back. The problem for the Colts is, as always, the Patriots -- who own them, and still figure to stand in everyone's way the way they always do.
So, maybe. Or not.
Probably not.
Tuesday, April 30, 2019
Waaaaah
The Blob has always been partial to the word "whinging." It's like "whining," only more British-sounding. It also springs readily to mind at the moment, one day after the Rockets and Warriors brought us, live from the Oracle, some top-shelf WNBA playoff action.
WNBA, as in "Whinging National Basketball Association."
What was supposed to be Game 1 of the series everyone's been waiting for, see, devolved into an outright whinge-fest, two great basketball teams opting not to concentrate on playing basketball but on working the game officials like Jack McCoy working a courtroom in "Law & Order." Appeals were filed at almost every bump, nudge or flail. Motions to suppress were similarly pressed.
Much of this is because the Rockets and Warriors are notoriously adept at A) drawing fouls via positioning and Oscar-worthy acting, and B) theatrically claiming innocence/guilt whenever the occasion demands. And so it will come as no real surprise that there were four technical fouls and an ejection charged in Game 1, which became a referendum on the officiating instead of the stellar basketball that played out between all the whinging.
Look. No one's saying officiating in the NBA is without stain or above reproach. But neither is it the exercise in criminality all the carrying on by the Rockets and Warriors seemed to suggest. No NBA player ever thinks he commits a foul, but yesterday was ridiculous. And so it is in the interests of basketball, and the reputation of the Rockets and Warriors for playing it at a very high level, that the Blob offers one piece of hearfelt advice:
Shut up and play.
Please, gentlemen. For the good of the game, and to ensure our continued viewing of it.
WNBA, as in "Whinging National Basketball Association."
What was supposed to be Game 1 of the series everyone's been waiting for, see, devolved into an outright whinge-fest, two great basketball teams opting not to concentrate on playing basketball but on working the game officials like Jack McCoy working a courtroom in "Law & Order." Appeals were filed at almost every bump, nudge or flail. Motions to suppress were similarly pressed.
Much of this is because the Rockets and Warriors are notoriously adept at A) drawing fouls via positioning and Oscar-worthy acting, and B) theatrically claiming innocence/guilt whenever the occasion demands. And so it will come as no real surprise that there were four technical fouls and an ejection charged in Game 1, which became a referendum on the officiating instead of the stellar basketball that played out between all the whinging.
Look. No one's saying officiating in the NBA is without stain or above reproach. But neither is it the exercise in criminality all the carrying on by the Rockets and Warriors seemed to suggest. No NBA player ever thinks he commits a foul, but yesterday was ridiculous. And so it is in the interests of basketball, and the reputation of the Rockets and Warriors for playing it at a very high level, that the Blob offers one piece of hearfelt advice:
Shut up and play.
Please, gentlemen. For the good of the game, and to ensure our continued viewing of it.
Sunday, April 28, 2019
Your NFL Draft highlight for today
No, not the moment when the Giants took Duke quarterback Daniel Jones with their first pick, and all those Giants fans wearing their Eli Manning and Odell Beckham Jr. and throwback Charlie Conerly jerseys lost their collective minds.
And, no, not the moment when 500,000 people descended on Nashville for the Draft weekend -- 499,999 of whom were wearing NFL team jerseys, 20,000 of whom were wearing NFL team jerseys AND helmets, and one of whom was wearing a Tottenham Hotspur jersey.
"I thought this was a footie event," he said, before being carried off by four drunken Jets fans in throwback Richard Todd jerseys.
No, sir. The highlight of the 2019 NFL Draft was the moment the San Francisco 49ers, with the eighth pick in the fourth round, took a punter -- specifically, Mitch Wishnowsky of Utah.
The first punter taken (or any punter taken) is always a highlight of the draft, but especially this time, because someone took a punter so relatively early. Mind you, Wishnowsky is not just any punter; he was the best punter in college football last year. He's also, at 6-2 and 218 pounds, bigger than a breadbox. And his 40 time is a respectable (for a punter) 4.63.
And if you're asking now, "Mr. Blob, why would anyone care what a punter's 40 time is?", well, you've obviously not considered how often teams dial up a fake punt. Trust me, it happens a lot. OK, so not a lot, but sometimes. OK, so mostly when Chuck Pagano is doing the dialing up.
In any case, if the 49ers ever do dial it up, they've now got a punter who can semi-hoof it. Also, he'll be harder to tackle than your standard IndyCar driver. Also, he used to play Australian Rules football -- which no one understands but Aussies and Kiwis, but which is a pretty physical sport in its own right, and has the most sartorially splendid game officials in sports.
So he's got that going for him.
And, no, not the moment when 500,000 people descended on Nashville for the Draft weekend -- 499,999 of whom were wearing NFL team jerseys, 20,000 of whom were wearing NFL team jerseys AND helmets, and one of whom was wearing a Tottenham Hotspur jersey.
"I thought this was a footie event," he said, before being carried off by four drunken Jets fans in throwback Richard Todd jerseys.
No, sir. The highlight of the 2019 NFL Draft was the moment the San Francisco 49ers, with the eighth pick in the fourth round, took a punter -- specifically, Mitch Wishnowsky of Utah.
The first punter taken (or any punter taken) is always a highlight of the draft, but especially this time, because someone took a punter so relatively early. Mind you, Wishnowsky is not just any punter; he was the best punter in college football last year. He's also, at 6-2 and 218 pounds, bigger than a breadbox. And his 40 time is a respectable (for a punter) 4.63.
And if you're asking now, "Mr. Blob, why would anyone care what a punter's 40 time is?", well, you've obviously not considered how often teams dial up a fake punt. Trust me, it happens a lot. OK, so not a lot, but sometimes. OK, so mostly when Chuck Pagano is doing the dialing up.
In any case, if the 49ers ever do dial it up, they've now got a punter who can semi-hoof it. Also, he'll be harder to tackle than your standard IndyCar driver. Also, he used to play Australian Rules football -- which no one understands but Aussies and Kiwis, but which is a pretty physical sport in its own right, and has the most sartorially splendid game officials in sports.
So he's got that going for him.
Saturday, April 27, 2019
Cycle of infamy
The power and glory of the National Football League is on full display this weekend in Nashville, where the Shield took over the town for the NFL Draft, turning the mundane non-event of dividing up talent from its collegiate farm system into an Event.
One by one, young men have paraded across that big stage for the requisite bro hug from commissioner Roger Goodell. Teary parents are interviewed. Mel and McShay talk about what great kids/prospects/athletic talents the young men are.
It's the NFL's annual closeup, and it always shows its best side. And it obscures, or has this weekend, a side that's not nearly so photogenic.
Buried in all the draft hype, see, another NFL story was going on, and it wasn't one ol' Rog would be so inclined to embrace. Away from the glare in Nashville, something else was going on: A criminal investigation in Kansas City, re-opened after an audio tape of Chiefs' wide receiver Tyreek Hill surfaced.
On it, Hill's fiancée and a man alleged to be Hill discuss how their 3-year-old son broke his arm. Hill denies doing it. His fiancée allegedly asks why, then, did his son say "Daddy punches me,"
On the tape, Hill allegedly tells his fiancée she needs “to be terrified of me, too, (expletive).” His fiancée is allegedly heard telling him their son says, “Daddy punches me,” and that Hill has him “open up his arms and you punch him in the chest. And then if he gets in trouble, you get the belt out.”
I don't know how much of this is genuine. But the authorities thought enough of it to re-open an investigation of Hill for child abuse.
What I do know is how the NFL will deal with this, if precedence matters at all. Hill will be suspended for a few games. The Chiefs will likely cut him loose, as they did running back Kareem Hunt after Hunt was caught on a hotel surveillance video kicking a young woman while she lay on the floor. Some time will pass, the furor will die down, and someone else will sign Hill, just as the Browns signed Kareem Hunt.
Eight games into this coming season, Kareem Hunt will be playing again.
However many games the NFL patty-cakes Hill with, he'll be playing again, too.
I know this because Adrian Peterson, who beat his son with a switch so severely the child's testicles were bruised, is still playing in the NFL. So if Hill did, in fact, punch a 3-year-old in the chest as punishment, he'll still have a home in the league.
The Blob says this proves the NFL apparently has a soft spot for candy-asses, because only a candy-ass punches a child or beats him with a switch. Real men don't.
It also proves the NFL has a soft spot for obscene talent, too.
Tyreek Hill, see, is the fastest man in the NFL, and an absurdly gifted wide receiver. Weapons that valuable don't come along every day. And so someone will sign him, just as someone signed Adrian Peterson and the Browns signed Kareem Hunt.
Professional football is, after all, a business. Moral considerations will always run a very poor second to profitability and market value.
A home truth that's playing out in all its glory in Nashville this weekend.
One by one, young men have paraded across that big stage for the requisite bro hug from commissioner Roger Goodell. Teary parents are interviewed. Mel and McShay talk about what great kids/prospects/athletic talents the young men are.
It's the NFL's annual closeup, and it always shows its best side. And it obscures, or has this weekend, a side that's not nearly so photogenic.
Buried in all the draft hype, see, another NFL story was going on, and it wasn't one ol' Rog would be so inclined to embrace. Away from the glare in Nashville, something else was going on: A criminal investigation in Kansas City, re-opened after an audio tape of Chiefs' wide receiver Tyreek Hill surfaced.
On it, Hill's fiancée and a man alleged to be Hill discuss how their 3-year-old son broke his arm. Hill denies doing it. His fiancée allegedly asks why, then, did his son say "Daddy punches me,"
On the tape, Hill allegedly tells his fiancée she needs “to be terrified of me, too, (expletive).” His fiancée is allegedly heard telling him their son says, “Daddy punches me,” and that Hill has him “open up his arms and you punch him in the chest. And then if he gets in trouble, you get the belt out.”
I don't know how much of this is genuine. But the authorities thought enough of it to re-open an investigation of Hill for child abuse.
What I do know is how the NFL will deal with this, if precedence matters at all. Hill will be suspended for a few games. The Chiefs will likely cut him loose, as they did running back Kareem Hunt after Hunt was caught on a hotel surveillance video kicking a young woman while she lay on the floor. Some time will pass, the furor will die down, and someone else will sign Hill, just as the Browns signed Kareem Hunt.
Eight games into this coming season, Kareem Hunt will be playing again.
However many games the NFL patty-cakes Hill with, he'll be playing again, too.
I know this because Adrian Peterson, who beat his son with a switch so severely the child's testicles were bruised, is still playing in the NFL. So if Hill did, in fact, punch a 3-year-old in the chest as punishment, he'll still have a home in the league.
The Blob says this proves the NFL apparently has a soft spot for candy-asses, because only a candy-ass punches a child or beats him with a switch. Real men don't.
It also proves the NFL has a soft spot for obscene talent, too.
Tyreek Hill, see, is the fastest man in the NFL, and an absurdly gifted wide receiver. Weapons that valuable don't come along every day. And so someone will sign him, just as someone signed Adrian Peterson and the Browns signed Kareem Hunt.
Professional football is, after all, a business. Moral considerations will always run a very poor second to profitability and market value.
A home truth that's playing out in all its glory in Nashville this weekend.
Thursday, April 25, 2019
Close the door, there's a Draft
Tonight begins the Blob's favorite prime-time not-really-an-event, the NFL Draft, eagerly awaited by draft nerds and NFL obsessives because there's nothing more thrilling than the moment the Vikings, with the 146th pick in the 2019 NFL Draft, select Billy Bob, an offensive lineman from West Canaan, Texas.*
(* -- Random "Varsity Blues" reference. You're welcome.)
In any event, it's gonna be a whole pile of riveting hours waiting for Mel Kiper Jr.'s hair to move, and listening to arcane draft chatter. Who's got upside? Who's got downside? Who's a waist bender, who's got burst, who can Make All The Throws and Put The Ball In Tight Windows?
I can hardly wait.
OK, so I can.
OK, so the Blob is not where you come for draft-y insight. I don't know who the Colts are going to take with the 26th pick. It's an upset that I even know they have the 26th pick. All I can do is pass along what people who are paid to keep track of this stuff say, which is that the Horsies might take another offensive lineman, or maybe a defensive lineman, or maybe trade for defensive end Frank Clark of the Seahawks, who wants out because Seattle franchise-tagged him.
Elsewhere, I don't pretend to know anything, which puts me one up on Mel and McShay and all the other draft nerds who claim they do. This is because the only draft day tradition older than Roger Goodell looking really short shaking hands with every first-round pick is that everybody is lying about everything.
So, maybe the Arizona Cardinals take Heisman Trophy winner Kyler Murray with the first pick, or maybe they're just pullin' everybody's leg.
Maybe, if they do pick Murray, they then shop Josh Rosen, whom they took last year with their first pick. And maybe the Redskins or Giants are interested, unless the Redskins or Giants decide to draft Ohio State quarterback Dwayne Haskins, although the Giants swear they're fine with 58-year-old Eli Manning.
Or maybe Jon Gruden trades the rest of his team out there in Oakland -- including that one crazy-ass fan with roofing nails sprouting from his shoulder and elbow pads -- to get a crack at Murray. It seems Coach Chucky really likes Kyler, too. Plus he thinks his current quarterback, Derek Carr, is the '82 Ford Escort of quarterbacks.
In any case, as usual, quarterbacks will be high-end commodities. Mel even predicts four will go in the first round, including Murray, Haskins, Drew Lock of Missouri and Daniel Jones of Duke.
The Blob doesn't have any clue if that's a daring call or not. In fact, it only has one question about this draft, quarterback-wise.
Who takes a flier on Jon Moxon?*
(* -- "Varsity Blues" again. You're welcome.)
(* -- Random "Varsity Blues" reference. You're welcome.)
In any event, it's gonna be a whole pile of riveting hours waiting for Mel Kiper Jr.'s hair to move, and listening to arcane draft chatter. Who's got upside? Who's got downside? Who's a waist bender, who's got burst, who can Make All The Throws and Put The Ball In Tight Windows?
I can hardly wait.
OK, so I can.
OK, so the Blob is not where you come for draft-y insight. I don't know who the Colts are going to take with the 26th pick. It's an upset that I even know they have the 26th pick. All I can do is pass along what people who are paid to keep track of this stuff say, which is that the Horsies might take another offensive lineman, or maybe a defensive lineman, or maybe trade for defensive end Frank Clark of the Seahawks, who wants out because Seattle franchise-tagged him.
Elsewhere, I don't pretend to know anything, which puts me one up on Mel and McShay and all the other draft nerds who claim they do. This is because the only draft day tradition older than Roger Goodell looking really short shaking hands with every first-round pick is that everybody is lying about everything.
So, maybe the Arizona Cardinals take Heisman Trophy winner Kyler Murray with the first pick, or maybe they're just pullin' everybody's leg.
Maybe, if they do pick Murray, they then shop Josh Rosen, whom they took last year with their first pick. And maybe the Redskins or Giants are interested, unless the Redskins or Giants decide to draft Ohio State quarterback Dwayne Haskins, although the Giants swear they're fine with 58-year-old Eli Manning.
Or maybe Jon Gruden trades the rest of his team out there in Oakland -- including that one crazy-ass fan with roofing nails sprouting from his shoulder and elbow pads -- to get a crack at Murray. It seems Coach Chucky really likes Kyler, too. Plus he thinks his current quarterback, Derek Carr, is the '82 Ford Escort of quarterbacks.
In any case, as usual, quarterbacks will be high-end commodities. Mel even predicts four will go in the first round, including Murray, Haskins, Drew Lock of Missouri and Daniel Jones of Duke.
The Blob doesn't have any clue if that's a daring call or not. In fact, it only has one question about this draft, quarterback-wise.
Who takes a flier on Jon Moxon?*
(* -- "Varsity Blues" again. You're welcome.)
Lord Stanley ... well, you know
In which the Carolina Hurricanes, down 3-1 on the road last night to the defending Stanley Cup champions in Game 7, rallied to tie and send it into overtime.
And then fought the Washington Capitals tooth-and-nail through one scoreless overtime.
And then scored in the second overtime to win the series and send the champs home in the first round.
Which means after one round of the Stanley Cup playoffs, the top seed in each conference is gone. And so are all the division winners, the Caps having won the Metropolitan Division with 104 points.
So who hoists the Cup now?
It's anybody's guess.
And how great is that?
And then fought the Washington Capitals tooth-and-nail through one scoreless overtime.
And then scored in the second overtime to win the series and send the champs home in the first round.
Which means after one round of the Stanley Cup playoffs, the top seed in each conference is gone. And so are all the division winners, the Caps having won the Metropolitan Division with 104 points.
So who hoists the Cup now?
It's anybody's guess.
And how great is that?
Wednesday, April 24, 2019
What happens in San Jose ...
... depends on your point of view.
If you're the Las Vegas Golden Knights, 5-4 losers in Game 7 in overtime to the San Jose Sharks last night, you got epically screwed by a five-minute penalty that happened because a routine shove on a faceoff ended horribly.
If you're the Sharks, you Won One For Pavs, aka Joe Pavelski, the guy who got shoved by Cody Eakin, stumbled into Paul Stastny and hit the ice headfirst -- a scary moment, and the factor that convinced the officials to hand down a fiver instead of two minutes for cross-checking, which opened the door to four straight goals by the all-but-dead Sharks.
"It's a f---ing joke. To call five minutes for that? It changed the whole outcome of the game," the Golden Knights' Jonathan Marchessault fumed after the Sharks ended his season. "Like, seriously, what is that?"
He does have a point. The Golden Knights were up 3-0 and cruising when Pavelski went down, a hit the officials didn't even initially see. Then, suddenly, it was 4-3, San Jose. Then it was 4-4 and going to overtime. Then San Jose won it.
On the other hand ...
On the other hand, how do you give up four goals in four minutes, even shorthanded?
How are you even in a Game 7, considering you had a 3-1 lead in the series at one point?
So, yes, the fiver never happens if Pavelski doesn't fall wrong, which doesn't seem right. But, also yes, this was the choke job of all choke jobs by the Golden Knights.
Sometimes two things both can be true. Lesson for today.
If you're the Las Vegas Golden Knights, 5-4 losers in Game 7 in overtime to the San Jose Sharks last night, you got epically screwed by a five-minute penalty that happened because a routine shove on a faceoff ended horribly.
If you're the Sharks, you Won One For Pavs, aka Joe Pavelski, the guy who got shoved by Cody Eakin, stumbled into Paul Stastny and hit the ice headfirst -- a scary moment, and the factor that convinced the officials to hand down a fiver instead of two minutes for cross-checking, which opened the door to four straight goals by the all-but-dead Sharks.
"It's a f---ing joke. To call five minutes for that? It changed the whole outcome of the game," the Golden Knights' Jonathan Marchessault fumed after the Sharks ended his season. "Like, seriously, what is that?"
He does have a point. The Golden Knights were up 3-0 and cruising when Pavelski went down, a hit the officials didn't even initially see. Then, suddenly, it was 4-3, San Jose. Then it was 4-4 and going to overtime. Then San Jose won it.
On the other hand ...
On the other hand, how do you give up four goals in four minutes, even shorthanded?
How are you even in a Game 7, considering you had a 3-1 lead in the series at one point?
So, yes, the fiver never happens if Pavelski doesn't fall wrong, which doesn't seem right. But, also yes, this was the choke job of all choke jobs by the Golden Knights.
Sometimes two things both can be true. Lesson for today.
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