Press what? Press who?

 Don’t mind me, on this nicely chilled November morning. Just indulging a little alternative history, in the wake of recent news from our Fearless Leader in D.C. …

WASHINGTON, D.C., November 1973 — President Richard M. Nixon announced today that boxer Muhammad Ali will be his new press secretary, replacing Ronald Zeigler, with whom the President is said to be displeased.

“Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee, baby,” the President said. “Let’s see those a**holes Woodward and Bernstein (f-bomb) with me NOW.”

WASHINGTON D.C., November 1986 — President Ronald Reagan announced today that professional wrestler Hulk Hogan will be his new press secretary, replacing whoever the other guy was.

“The Hulkster kicked the Iron Sheik’s behind,” the President said. “He’ll easily keep those pencil-necked geeks in the White House press corps in line. And if he doesn’t, we’ll bring in Rowdy Roddy Piper to tag-team those punks …”

WASHINGTON, D.C. November 1862 — President Abraham Lincoln announced today that President Abraham Lincoln will be his new press secretary, on account of he out-wrestled all comers back in New Salem, Ill.

“I whipped Big Chet from Joliet in 30 seconds flat,” the President said. “I can surely handle these chumps …”

I’m sorry, what?

You mean you HAVEN’T heard the latest from Fearless Leader?

He’s offered the WhitecHouse press secretary job to his pal, UFC boss Dana White.

“Who?” you’re saying now. “For what?”

Dana White. For press secretary. And, no, I’m not making this up, because have you forgotten who we’re dealing with here?

This is the same President of these United States who’s run through Blonde Girls 1-22 as press secretary — the latest of whom, Katie Karoline Katrina or something, lasted all of five days. Clearly the Blonde Girl pool was drained.

And so, shifting gears, Fearless Leader announced he’s asking a mixed martial arts honcho to take the job.

Now, White does have extensive experience dealing with the media. Mostly, however, this has involved half-naked men and women who kick, punch and choke one another until their tattoos fall off. 

As far as we know, there’s not a lot of that going on in the current Regime — although who knows what Pete Hegseth gets up to after his daily ‘roid hit.

Anyway, Fearless Lesder wants White because he thinks Mr. UFC is a tough guy who’ll give those pencil-neck lefties in the Fake News crowd what-for. Even suggested he bring in a couple of his kick/punch/choke guys as enforcers, er, assistants.

In which case, here’s one more perhaps not-so-imaginary news item:

WASHINGTON, D.C. December 2026 — Chaos reigned in the daily White House briefing yesterday when Irish UFC legend Conor McGregor threw CNN anchor Kaitlin Collins to the ground and slapped an armbar on her after Collins dared to ask a question.

Collins has had an adversarial relationship with President Trump since asking him questions the President regarded as not sufficiently fawning.

“Tap out, b****!” McGregor cried as he locked Collins in the hold.

On Truth Social,  President Trump praised McGregor as a”true patriot, even if he has the misfortune to be Irish,”and said “we need more of  this in America.”