Swiftie Derangement Syndrome alert!

 I'm with Vice-President Mini-Me, doggone it. I'm fearfully afraid (or afraid-ly fearful) Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce getting engaged is just a super-secret plan to get the Kansas City Chiefs to the Super Bowl again, and therefore commissioner Roger "The Hammer" Goodell needs to be super-duper vigilant about any such nefarious designs.

No, really. Mini-Me (straight name, J.D. Vance) said just that the other day.

Admitted he's a Bengals fan, at least, and thus naturally biased against the Chiefs, who used to beat his Bengals back when the Bengals still mattered. So that was big of him.

The rest, though, was your standard Swiftie Derangement Syndrome, a malady folks with Mini-Me's particular ideology are especially prone to. Taylor Swift is a woman, after all, and worse than that, she's a woman with so much money, clout and common decency Mini-Me and them can't drag her down to their level. What are they gonna do, bash her for donating armloads of cash to local food banks at all her concert venues?

Ah, but now she's not just dating, but is actually engaged, to a bleeping-bleep Chief. Cry havoc and loose the dogs of paranoia, or some such thing.

"I hope that the NFL does not put a thumb on the scale for the Kansas City Chiefs just because Travis Kelce is now getting married to maybe the most famous woman in the world," Mini-Me said, noting that the NFL could arrange a "Super Bowl wedding" by making sure its game officials play extra nice with the Chiefs.

Let me say this about that, as Richard Nixon used to say.

One, even if the Chiefs somehow jacked around and reached the Big Roman Numeral again, there's no way the Kelce-Swift nuptials would happen Super Bowl week. Travis might miss what used to be called Media Day, and that's a burn-'em-at-the-stake offense in the NASH-unal FOOT-ball League.

Two, the national scribes and TV yaks would raise six kinds of hell, because, dammit, it would cut into their Super Bowl party time. Also, while they're writing/yakking about wedding stuff, they might miss the 2,345th Patrick Mahomes feature at least a hundred of them were planning to write/yak about.

Three, Roger 'n' them already get a raft of doo-doo about the shoddiness of NFL officiating. Even though everyone who's not a Chiefs fan already thinks it's BLATANTLY OBVIOUS the Chiefs get all the calls, not even the NFL is dumb enough to make sure they actually do get all the calls. This isn't the WWE, for God's sake. Yet.

Of course, the league could avoid all this simply by making sure Mini-Me's Bengals get all the calls. Or, more likely, those eternal bridesmaids the Bills.

In which case, Josh Allen Derangement Syndrome would become a thing.

Prove me wrong, America.