Ebb Tide

 I wouldn't want to be the guy who starts Kalen DeBoer's car this morning.

I might want to be his realtor, however. 

This after DeBoer took his eighth-ranked Alabama Crimson Tide down to unranked Florida State yesterday on the first big Saturday of the college football season, and got thoroughly Crimson-ed. The Seminoles ran on the Tide like Secretariat, outrushing  'Bama 236-87 and averaging five yards per carry. The final score wasn't close either, the 'Noles paving the Tide by two scores, 31-17.

This would not go over well in, say, East Lansing, Mich. Just imagine how it's going to play in Tuscaloosa, Ala.

Where Football Crazy is not a disease, it's a job description. If southern football fans are bonkers generally, 'Bama fans are off-the-charts bonkers. Saint Bear of Bryant and Saint Nick of Saban are mostly to blame for this, having elevated the Crimson Tide (and the expectations thereof) to impossible heights. If the Tide doesn't win the national title in a given year, their fans demand a congressional investigation. And if, say, Georgia or some other SEC school wins the natty instead?

Well, shoot. That's when you know the cheating in college football has gotten totally out of hand.

So I can't imagine what sort of seventh circle of hell DeBoer's life is going to be like this week, especially after 'Bama lost an inconceivable three games in his first season and missed the College Football Playoff.

For sale signs may sprout in his front yard like they did in "Friday Night Lights" after Coach Gaines lost the big one to Midland Lee. The sportstalk poodles will bash him from pillar to post. Bernie from Blountsville and Myrtle from Magnolia Springs will call in to say this is the most embarrassing thing to happen to the University since the last time the Tide lost to those hilljacks from Auburn.

"Ol' Bear never woulda lost this game!" they'll say. "Saban wouldna either! Why, they'da sawed off a limb before they lost this game!"

The only saving grace for DeBoer is last night happened on August 30. That gives him three months to right the ship and get the Tide back into the top ten or even top five where every 'Bama fan knows they DAMN WELL BELONG. After all, Notre Dame lost to Northern Illinois early last season, and the Fighting Irish wound up in the national championship game.

Notre Dame, for glory's sake. Why, if those gold-hatted cruds could do it, Alabama can surely do it. 

After all, they're the Crimson Tide. And you're not.