Open-ing miracle

 I wouldn't know J.J. Spaun if he nestled a wedge in the back of my head, but I do know this: There are a lot of golfers out there who haven't done what he did yesterday.

What he did was cruise around Oakmont Country Club out there in Pennsylvania without making bogey, and without a three-putt. Nary a one.

"Oh, come on, Mr. Blob," you're saying now. "Lots of golfers have done that. Scottie Scheffler probably does it without getting out of bed in the morning."

Yeah, but ...

Yeah, but he didn't do it at Oakmont. And he didn't do it in the U.S. Open, which Spaun leads by stroke over someone named Thriston Lawrence after putting up an opening 66.

The U,S. Open, see, is the major whose goal, according to the folks in charge, is be "a true test of golf," or words to that effect. Translated into non-euphemistic English, what that really means is "let's trick this puppy up with a bunch of windmills and clown mouths so we can make Scottie Scheffler look like Joe Schmo from Buffalo."

Which he did, kind of, coming in with a 3-over 73 that put him right on the projected cut line. Right there with him is Bryson DeChambeau, among others; on the far side of the projected cut are, among others, Rory McIlroy (74),  Hideki Matsuyama (74), Tony Finau (76) and Shane Lowry, who took 79 wacks to get around.

Mainly this is because, yes, Oakmont has been shamelessly tricked up for the Open. The rough alone is ridiculous; it looks like a stand of winter wheat, and if your ball goes in there you might stumble on Jimmy Hoffa or Amelia Earhart first. And the greens?

Your basic marble countertops. Breathe on that 6-footer and it'll roll all the way to Philadelphia.

And, no, I don't know why the lords of golf insist on doing this every year. If America doesn't want to watch Scottie shoot 90-under on some junior-league muni track, it also doesn't want to watch him hack it around out there in the jungles of Oakmont. If America wanted that, it would simply grab its own sticks, head over to Linoleum Hills Golf Club  and spray snap-hooks around the way it does every weekend.

Although I suppose there will be some added drama today as Scottie tries to stay ahead of the cut and Rory tries to avoid missing it. Also as Oakmont, insulted by J.J. Spaun's first-round 66, tries to turn it into a second-round 76.

Me, I just want Thriston Lawrence to put up another low number. Whoever he is.