Where Tom went. Or not.

 And now it's time to examine the mystery that has kept all of America riveted ... OK, so all of NFL World ... OK, so all of Florida ... OK, so maybe just all the weirdos who live in Mom's basement and crank out conspiracy blogs for their 12 followers around the globe.

Where did Tom Brady disappear to? 

Also, why?

Also, what did the Buccaneers brass mean when it said his weeks-long absence from training camp was planned months ago?

Speculation has run rampant - because when speculation runs, it's never slowly or quickly or steadily, it’s always just rampant. One theory is Brady has been filming an upcoming appearance on "The Masked Singer." The Blob is extremely dubious of this, on account of I can't see Brady willingly dressing up as a giant kangaroo or aardvark or Purdue Pete with his lifeless psycho eyes. And what would he sing?

Aside from "Your Cheatin' Heart," that is.

In any event, he was in the wind, and the Buccaneers were apparently informed ahead of time he was going to be in the wind, and it seems they were OK with him being in the wind. But of course the Blob can't just let it go at that.

So I've fired up my vast powers of imagination ("'Vast'." you're saying. "Get him") for a little exercise I call "Where In The World Was Tom Brady?":

1. Cheating on Gisele with Carmen Sandiego.

(Don't tell Gisele)

2. Cheating on Gisele with Waldo.

(See above)

3. Cheating on Gisele with Bill Belichick.

(REALLY see above)

(Also, don't tell the Buccaneers)

4. Fulfilling a lifelong dream to drive in the Belgian Grand Prix for Mercedes.

(Don't tell Lewis Hamilton)

5. Fulfilling a lifelong dream to also drive in the Dutch Grand Prix, the Italian Grand Pris and the U.S. Grand Prix for Mercedes.

("Dammit!" -- Lewis Hamilton)

6. Wrestling a bear at the Indiana State Fair.

(Don't tell Colts fans. They'll show up to root for the bear)

7. Milking a cow at the Indiana State Fair.

(See above, only they'll root for the cow)

8. Forming a rock band: Brady on lead guitar, Gronk on bass, Belichick on lead vocals. 

(Don't tell Springsteen. He'll want in on it.)

9. Surfing some tasty waves.

(Don't tell Spicoli)

And last but not least ...

10. Cheating on Gisele with Lewis Hamilton's Mercedes.

("Dammit!" -- Gisele)

("For the last time, get out of my car!" -- Lewis Hamilton)