Competitive itches

I know, I know. I miss dropping a bundle on Eastern Southwestern Tech State to reach the Sweet 16, too.

Even the Kentucky Derby has been pushed back to God knows when, for crying out loud. Which means no Kentucky Colonels, no ladies wearing  hats the size of condos, no putting two dollars on the nose of a 35-1 shot because his trainer is a tweed-wearing Englishman named Rupert Asquith-Cheddarbottom.

You miss the action. I miss the action. That's because we as human creatures crave competition, even if it's only Monmouth vs. Quinnipiac on a Thursday night.

Here's the good news: Vegas feels your pain.

Which is why, in the absence of virtually any sports anywhere unless you count mixed martial arts, you can now bet on the weather, which is even more a sucker bet than betting on horses and college kids. That's right, boys and girls! Sportsbooks are offering daily wagering on the high temperature for select cities!

Now you, too, can score big by betting that cold front hits Chicago just when Jim Cantore said it would. Let the whales and easy marks drop coin on 59 for the high in Chi. You know in your bones it ain't gonna clear 45.

And, hey, it's not like Vegas needs to stop with the weather. Since we're all self-quarantining, here's a short list of other prop bets the smart guys could come up with to scratch that competitive itch:

1.  Over/under on how long your kids can occupy the kitchen at the same time without fighting over who gets to use the microwave first.

I've got 5.8 seconds. That's what our family counselor says, anyway.

2. Who will move first? You or your dog?

I've got me. My beer glass is empty.

3. Over/under on how many times immunologist Anthony Fauci will fight to keep from laughing at Our Only Available Impeached President's next news briefing/standup act?

Doesn't matter The one time was priceless.

4. Over/under on how many times you watch "Hoosiers" before either A) the end of March, or B) you go completely mad and start yelling at Jimmy Chitwood because you had major coin riding on Boyle and South Bend Central.

How many days in March? Thirty-one? OK, I've got 62, then.

And last but not least ...

5. Who gets the race car in your 51st game of Monopoly?

I've got "No one." Because if everyone's going to fight over it, no one's going to get it.

Also, the next time you cheat the count and skip over Boardwalk and Park Place because I've got hotels on both of them, you're going to your room.