Implausible deniability

OK, you doubters, you skeptics, you snicker-behind-your-hand-ers. I've got something to say to y'all.

I believe Mark Dantonio.

I believe his abrupt decision to step down as Michigan State's football coach after 13 seasons has nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that, one day before his announcement, his former recruiting coordinator filed an update to an ongoing lawsuit claiming Dantonio and his staff committed a whole pile of recruiting violations while the recruiting coordinator was there.

I believe those allegations had, in Dantonio's words, "zero" impact on his deciding to leave his job, even if it was a really weird time to do so and leaves Michigan State having to chase prospective coaches who are already busy preparing for spring ball.

I believe, as Dantonio also said, there's "no relevance whatsoever" to the possibility the lawsuit could lead to sanctions against his program, and that he really is retiring to spend more time with his wife and kids, not to dodge the big hammer the NCAA seems poised to swing if the allegations prove true.

I believe, as Michigan State does, that there's absolutely nothing to those allegations, which include arranging for jobs for recruits and insisting on signing sketchy prospects who later were accused of sexual assault and various other crimes.

I believe Dantonio when he says all of this, vis-a-vis the timing of his announcement, was entirely coincidental, and shame on you for thinking otherwise. Because WIFE AND KIDS, DAMMIT. Weren't you listening?

'Cause if you weren't listening you're prolly just a bunch of haters who also think Our Only Available Impeached President is a lying crook, even though it ain't lying if enough people believe it and you're not a crook if you can get away with it. And even if he is a lying crook ...  have you seen that stock market?

Yes, sir. I believe Mark Dantonio.

Now try to tell me there's not a giant invisible bird that flaps its wings to make the wind blow, and not a fat man in a red suit who comes down my chimney with 100-inch plasma TVs every Dec. 24, and not alien corpses in Area 51 that look like tiny Joe Bidens.

As if.