Gettin' handsy in Indy

This is the best of all weeks for a certain species of human, i.e. the ones who are on three different anxiety meds, who obsessively study ancient runes for Evil Portents, or who simply enjoy watching healthy young men run in shorts, jump in shorts and answer inappropriate questions about their mothers in shorts.

(OK, so they don't do that in shorts. That would be as silly as the questions.)

It's NFL Pre-Draft Combine Week, folks!

It's the grandest Festival O' Overthinking in all the land, an event in which sober analysis veers over the line into complete besotted derangement, because gazillions of simoleons are on the line and NFL teams are deathly afraid of spending them unwisely. Except, you know, when they do.

Anyway ... we're only a day in, and already there's this bombshell from Indy:

Heisman Trophy winner and prospective top draft pick Joe Burrow has TINY, TINY HANDS!

OK, so not tiny-tiny, but tiny, in the sense that his mitts measured nine inches from pinkie to thumb, and that means Joe Burrow will never play a down in the NFL. OK, so he will, probably, but he'll never be as good as, say, Chad Henne, who also has 9-inch hands, or Jared Goff and Ryan Tannehill, who also have 9-inch hands.

Chad Henne is a career NFL backup who, in 11 seasons, has played in more than four games in a season just four times. He's thrown more interceptions (63) than touchdowns (58) lifetime. Since 2008, he, Jared Goff and Ryan Tannehill are the only NFL quarterbacks with Tiny 9-Inch Hands who have attempted more than 300 passes in the NFL.

In other words: Tiny hands spell doom for an NFL quarterback. Doom, I tell you!

And, yeah, OK, so Goff quarterbacked the Rams to the Super Bowl in 2019 with his tiny hands, and Tannehill quarterbacked the Titans as they became the surprise team in the NFL playoffs this past season. But never mind that.

Joe Burrow is finished. Finished, I tell you!

And, yeah, OK, so it might be worth pointing out that the guy who just led the Kansas City Chiefs to the Lombardi Trophy, Patrick Mahomes, has hands that only measure 9 1/4 inches. But that is a very important extra quarter-inch. Sober combine analysis has conclusively proven it's that very quarter-inch that enables Mahomes to do what he does, and the fact he's also a freakin' wizard with an absolutely insane skill set is just an amazing coincidence.

Conclusion: Light a candle for the Cincinnati Bengals, who are poised to take Burrow with the top pick in the draft. Poor Bengals. Poor, poor Bengals.